Green Grass

I've been thinking a lot about my first blog. I wanted to make it a good one, start on a good note. I started to write one the other day about commitment- but I trashed it. You see, I used to be a commitment phobe- maybe I still am When I started to write about it the other day, I don't think I even realized the extent of my phobia. Today things became a lot clearer though and it is only now that I understand the extent of this weakness.
In the past (even the very recent past) I lived my life in four month blocks of time, like most university students. Each semester was a new beginning, a bench mark, a time for change. Like many students my life was transient and consisted of a lot of moves and constant repacking. Each spring I would be free from the restrictions of school to go to camp, up north to plant, to B.C, some where different. I always looked forward to this change of pace, new place and new friends. I thought that it was a really positive quality, a need for independence and exploration. I think I almost prided myself on my "need to get away." In retrospect, my desire for a change of atmosphere wasn't a strength at all, but a weakness. I knew that the beginning of every spring meant that I could escape the friends, family and life that I had at home and trade it in for something 'better' - even if it was only for four months. By the time the summer would end, I would usually be tired of my new adventure and be ready to come home. I was never forced to stick it out- to muddle through the mundaneness, to invest. It was all about me, about doing something exciting, new, different and better. Although I didn't realize this at the time, this impacted all of the relationships in my life- how could it not? I've only now learned that so much of the beauty that is friendship is found only when I stop thinking about myself.
This year I have met people that are more committed to others than they are to themselves, more committed to nurturing and fostering their existing relationships as opposed to jetting off to make new ones. Seeing people live like this has been absolutely life changing. They value others.
God is slowly teaching me that it is not all about me. It must be hard work for Him because I need to learn that my money isn't all mine, my time isn't all mine, even a lot of my desires can't be all about me. I'm learning that I don't need to run anymore. It's going to take some time and there are going to be times when life feels boring and I am going to wish that I was off on some great adventure- but, at the end of the day- it's the people that matter. It's the friends that I want to invest in, that I want to invest into me that matter. God is showing me that He wants to use all of me. I've learned all about surrendering to Him many times, but I need to continue to hear that until I slowly let go of my need to get away- which I am sure springs out of a fear of some sort, or maybe worse, is just pure selfishness. I want to value people the way that I think Jesus values me- with everything. I want to live my life out of that truth. I don't want to fear "being in it for the long haul"- I know this is what God wants for me. He wants to show me that the grass is greener where ever there is love and that is where He is. For the first time ever, I think I am in a place where I know my heart can stick it out for the long haul...and I feel a little bit healed, and that there is hope- even for a committment phobe like me.