Please Watch!

* Everyone should spend 20 minutes watching this video this Christmas season.


CLICK HERE!!

Happy Birthday Matt!

Happy Birthday to my favourite person in the world.

Thanks for being such willing competition, for being so wise, for telling me when I am wrong, for making me laugh, for taking my ideas a step farther, for being so loving and for being so easy to love.

Happy Birthday!

Hope and Resistance

Today was a very good day. Some of my best days are days that I learn a lot, spend time with people I love and am inspired. All three of those things happened today! I'll tell you how...

Firstly, in my peace and reconstruction class we watched thing incredible documentary. It is about an incredible student movement in Serbia that ultimately brought down Slobodan Milosevic, the brutal dictator of Serbia. I should say that I was pretty ignorant about the conflict in the former Yugoslavia. I know that there were allegations of ethnic cleansing and NATO bombs, but I really didn't know much more than that.

This documentary is about an incredible group called Otpor! (which essentially means 'Resistance' in Serbian). This grassroots group was created and led by 18-20 year olds. The documentary that we watched in class highlights their to non-violent struggle to remove the ruling dictator (well, there was apparent "democracy" in Serbia, but it was well known that Milosevic brought votes and rigged elections). There were two things that were incredibly powerful about this documentary. First, this group was completely non-violent. They marched, mobilized, communicated, passed out flyers, protested, emailed, and organized. They were relentless in their quest for a free Serbia. They were committed- all in for their cause. While they accepted financial contributions, they refused to compromise their goals or their strategies. Secondly, this movement was almost entirely run by youth- young adults who demanded freedom and democracy. It was powerful watching the members of Otpor! talk about their love for their country and their desire for political freedom. Otpor! became such a big and powerful movement that they forced political change. Before the intense pressure from the group, the political opposition in Serbia was too fragmented to run and win against Milosevic. However, because of demands from groups like Otpor! the opposition parties overcame their personal quests for power and created a coalition determined to overthrow Milosevic and his cronies. Once the opposition was united, elections were called by Milosevic 10 months early, in hope that the opposition would be unprepared. The international community and groups like Otpor! monitored the election and counted votes from the provinces before the votes were sent to Belgrade- this was to ensure that Milosevic would not be able to claim that he'd won. Of course, the opposition won- but Milosevic refused to step down, saying that there was no decisive victory and that there would need to be a second round of elections. Thus began 10 days of protesting, led of course by Otpor! Each day the protests would get systematically larger. On the 10th day, hundreds of thousands of people from all over the country made their way into Belgrade to meet at the Parliament to protest. There is an incredible scene in the documentary where they filmed the highways on that day and every car is moving in the same direction. There were no cars leaving the city. I had goosebumps watching this. People, mobilized can be incredibly powerful.

I say all this about this documentary and this group today because I was inspired. Really inspired. Bombs and troops did not bring down the dictator- a group of students, who were willing to do anything but pick up weapons did. I am really interested in the non-violent movement and I found this story to be hopeful.

I had coffee with some friends of mine later and we were talking about all sorts of things. They just back from a trip to Ghana where they were helping run medical clinics, so it was really cool to hear the things that they had learned. I was telling them how in my last year of my undergrad, in my forth year international development, my classmates and myself were asked how we felt about the state of the world. When it was my turn to speak I think I said something along the lines of "I don't think the world is going to get any better." Basically, after four years of studying development, I thought the whole thing was hopeless. I have come to see now that I was very wrong.

I believe that God is making the whole world new. He's all about restoration and new life. All he asks of us is to be a part of that. We are to be made new and we are to be agents of new creation. And as I sat in my forth year class, defeated, I had forgotten this. Only in hindsight can I see how blind I was. While I am by no means an idealist, cynicism is for the lazy. When I choose to look at the world through a cynical lens, I choose to do nothing. Cynicism can only be talked about- it never accomplishes anything. Watching this documentary and talking with my friends today reminded me of these things. It reminded me that we hope for a reason. We hope so that we will act. And we act so that the world will change. I genuinely do believe that another world is possible. Hearing stories like that of the students of Otpor! remind me of this. I am also reminded that the greatest stories are about those where the characters are willing to risk everything in order to accomplish their goals. For the Serbian students, they were willing to give their lives for their country to be free. Yet, they refused to use weapons. In these times it often seems like weapons are our main tools for change. Think of Iraq or Afghanistan...sometimes weapons don't seem to be very effective. And if they are "effective" the human cost is often staggering.

Resistance movements like the one in Serbia give me so much hope that our generation has not lost our capacity for creativity and imagination. It reminds me that there is a lot to be hopeful about...and that the choices we make and the things we believe in DO matter.

Great friends, hope and inspiration. What a day.

Avoiding Hibernation

I am a girl made for the summer. I love it. I love long days of sunshine and when it doesn't get dark out until 10 pm. I love swimming in lakes and wearing shorts and playing outside. I love the crazy thunderstorms and the beach. I love eating ice cream as much as I can and wearing flip flops everyday. I love, love, love summer.

So, as winter makes her intense appearance, I can't help but wonder how to avoid hibernation. I am not a huge fan of the winter, the cold or the snow, for that matter. I like to ski, but do it so rarely that I don't think it counts. I don't mind throwing some snowballs now and again, but that gets pretty old fast. I don't enjoy scraping my car or blizzards or black ice. I don't like how I become such a homebody. This winter, I am wondering how to avoid the incredibly strong desire to stay in bed all day and drink tea in my pajamas?! I hate the colour of my pasty skin and how my nose runs when I come in from being outside. I can't STAND how the bottom of my pants get wet and I look like an idiot walking around campus with my jeans tucked in wool socks (you should know looking dumb is FAR better than wet pant legs all day). I fear that things are going to get even worse once the brown slush of March comes and makes everything look disgusting.

Maybe it's ok to want to snuggle up on the couch with a blanket this season. I do want to make sure that I still get lots of exercise and sunshine this winter- so I have enough energy to watch a lot of movies and to make tea like it's my job.

For now, I'll dream of warmer days, beautiful Outer Banks sunsets and remember that spring will come...eventually.

Forgiveness, finally.

In my peace and reconstruction class we've looked at some traditional means of restorative justice- about how people can be restored to their communities after committing horrendous crimes, often against people in their own village. In parts of Africa, tribes perform rituals to accept the offenders back into their village after a civil war. I know one example where the combatants enter into the village and drink a bitter tea, representing the bitterness and pain of the conflict- and to remind themselves that they never want to drink from that cup again. We watched this clip from a documentary showing this ritual. I felt pretty inspired- It looked so healthy...it looked so hopeful. Boys who had killed people from their own village, were welcomed back. There was restoration and forgiveness. It was a really beautiful way to understand justice.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because when I put myself in the shoes of a villager whose husband or child was killed, I wonder how easy it really would be to open my arms to killers. Forgiving is a lot easier to talk about than to actually do. I am a pretty average person, and nothing atrocious has ever happened to me. Yet, there are people and events in the past that have hurt me in ways that unfortunately are still very real. As humans we have a great capacity to inflict pain on others. I have also been the one to hurt others at times. It's horrible- and it's unchangeable. The past is permanent and all we get is a choice to decide how to act and think in the future. I think often we need to circumvent our feelings to move on. Because sometimes how we feel doesn't get us anywhere. I might feel as though I am too hurt to forgive someone, or I might feel that it is impossible to move beyond a certain situation. I guess that's why we need to train ourselves. I think sometimes our feelings keep us chained.

So, going back to my example of the village- in some indescribable way, until a victim is able to forgive- they are never going to be free. So, two lives have been claimed. I say this realizing that I have never lost someone that I love to violence- and it is my hope that I never will- so, I have no idea at how hard it would be. Maybe it's even unfair to use this as an example...

I think that is why I was so struck by this documentary of the combatants re-entering their villages. I don't have words to describe how hard that would be to forgive someone who took the life of someone in your family. But people have forgiven. I am sure we have all heard or seen a story of incredible and breath taking forgiveness. And I bet if you have ever heard a story like that, you have passed it on. Because stories like that are holy.

So, conflict and pain are inevitable. Even the little things, or the really old things- it can be very painful. And I think we often in some unexplainable way don't want to forgive- and we don't want to forget. Because in some cases, the way people have hurt us have become part of our identities, have set us apart, have told us what we deserve- and I think even though it hurts, sometimes that hurt feels safer than forgiveness- safer than losing that event or person or moment in time that we use to define us. I think of it as a prisoner that has the key to the chains that restrain them, but choose to never open the lock. We live in a world that I think so easily blinds us to the truth- it's so easy to never know that we are in fact a key player in determining our own freedom. In choosing to forgive someone, in choosing to see someone's humanity, to give dignity to those who do not deserve it, to choose hope and new life rather than death and pain- we can be free.

I am not sure how we come to that place where it is clear that the path of forgiveness, though unbelievably painful, ultimately grants freedom. I have yet to figure that out in my own life. In many ways I still hold on to petty grievances. But I do not want to be defined by those things- even though my feelings tell me that there is still a wound and even though I don't want to forgive. I am not sure how we move beyond the place where we tell ourselves "that person does not DESERVE my forgiveness." But thing is, is that we too have been forgiven- undeservedly. And the beautiful thing, is that God is all about symbiotic relationships. When we forgive, we are free from our bitterness and our resentments and the perpetrator is free from condemnation. There are mutual gains by both parties. Like I said before, this is so easy to say, and so hard to do- I guess like all of the beautiful and worthwhile things in life. Easy is boring.

A friend of mine was describing another couple that are our friends. She was saying that their marriage works and is so inspiring because it is build on solid and constant communication and they both hold each other in the highest regard- and they submit, submit, submit to each other. I think we can all learn from this. We need to hold each other, and all people really- in the highest of regards. It makes life in general and especially cases where we feel we have been wronged to think of the humanity of the other party. To remember that those who hurt us have hopes, and feel pain, and brush their teeth before bed, and go to work, and love, and laugh, and bleed, and read the newspaper. We need to see our similarities and not our differences. I'm not sure how to make the jump from simply knowing this and changing our actions to reflect that we know this. It is very difficult because in the end, it comes down to grace.

Generally when I think about things like this, I always want to know how to accomplish this, what practical steps to take to move forward...but I don't have anything like that to even offer. I'm not sure how we become more forgiving and gracious- even though I know it is a beautiful and right. I want to hold people in high regard, despite the past and whatever the future may hold.

Free?

I feel really blessed to be protected the Canadian Charter of Rights. I recognize and understand that the majority of the world is not protected by such a charter and that by default, the fact that I was born on Canadian soil, I am entitled to rights.

The concept of free speech has been on my mind lately. I know a girl who dropped a course because of bigotry and prejudice that was occurring in the classroom, as students talked about minorities, hateful incitement and freedom of speech. I felt sad that in an academic environment, someone would feel like they could no longer stay in a class because they were being openly discriminated against. After my friend finished telling the story about her class, I felt pretty convinced that there should be limits on what people say. The class was discussing the idea of racist and hateful radio shows hosted by white supremacists.

The the other day I heard a song on the radio by Pink, of all people. The song is called "Dear Mr. President." Here are some of the lyrics...

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

As I listened to the song, I was struck by the freedom that we have- and that Americans have. I guess it is important to remember that this is a political freedom- remember the fiasco when the Dixie Chicks said that they were ashamed that the President was from their home state. The Dixie Chicks' record sales plummeted and they received death threats. I imagine that Pink did not suffer the same ostricization as she probably doesn't have too many fans in the good ole bible belt. The fact that a song like this can be played on the radio demonstrates our political freedom. I was reminded of the many, many people that disappeared in Latin America for opposing the government. Public political opposition is a freedom that a small minority people are 'entitled' too. Let us not forget the images of monks, non-violently protesting, getting beaten with clubs by the junta in Burma. So, in this case, freedom of speech and opinion is good and beneficial.

However, I few weeks ago, I heard about a story that actually made me want to throw up. A church in Kansas, Westboro Baptist Church, has been protesting at the funerals of dead soldiers. The hold signs that say "Thank God for Dead Soldiers" and "God hates America." People like this make me sick and make me want to not call myself a Christian. The people of this church in Kansas have recently been protesting at the funerals of dead soldiers because they are opposed to soldiers fighting for a nation that supports gay people. Everything about this story makes me feel sick. A father of a dead soldier recently won a 11 million dollar lawsuit after the church members protested at his son's funeral. The pastor of this church is convinced that they will win the appeal because "the reality is that the First Amendment has survived 200 years without anyone protesting funerals, and I think it's safe to say that if this group is shut down and cannot protest funerals, the First Amendment will survive another 200 years." You can read the whole story here: http://rawstory.com/news/afp/US_anti_gay_church_to_resume_protes_11022007.html

The point is, the freedom of speech conundrum reappeared. Stories like this beg the question, should their be limits placed on what people can say? Especially when people are promoting hate, racism, and prejudice. Perhaps the difference between the church protesters and the Pink song (besides the obvious) is that Pink criticizes the President's policies. It's personal- she isn't promoting hate for all white men, or all rich men, or for all of the bureaucrats in Washington. But I am thinking, when someone starts promoting and publicizing hateful incitement against groups of people in a systematic fashion, that is when there is a problem. In Rwanda, hate radio encouraged people to kill their neighbors based on their ethnicity.

The law is a tricky thing because perhaps there is a the risk of a slippery slope- are there definable criteria whereby a person or groups can be silenced? There is something incredibly inhumane about hateful protesting at a funeral of a young man, who died serving his country. I don't necessarily agree with war, but I do have the utmost respect for those who selflessly serve their country. That is besides the point though. The point is, the death of a son, a brother, a husband - is probably one of the most private, horrible, painful experiences. These families deserve respect. I don't care about the freedom of speech in this case- it's wrong. And hateful. And Incredibly sad.

I'm thankful that I live in a country where I am free to oppose the government, that I am free to practice a religion- or not. But I do not think it's right to publicly broadcast hate, racism, misogyny- despite freedom of speech.

Why oranges are better than apples

Oranges are better than apples because you can eat them in slices and and put them in your mouth so it looks like you have orange teeth.
They are better because they can be shared between friends.
They don't turn brown when they are peeled.
Orange juice is the BEST juice-especially for breakfast.
Oranges grow in the land of sunshine.
The vitamin C keeps you from getting sick.
Oranges are better than apples.


On a completely different tangent. I am LOVING this song lately (see the words below). I feel like the words speak right to my soul. I love the imagery- I love the idea of a tree with hearts for leaves. I love how this song seems to capture the beauty of something as intangible as love- and I love the idea of "finding this feeling." It seems so contrasted by the ideas of jobs and money- I feel like I am pretty wooed by the idea of building a sandcastle to sleep in and the idea of life being 'painted golden'. Anyone who has experienced the beauty of love, friendship, family, friends, God, life, goodness, joy, peace- I feel like they would really "get" this song..."where love is still alive " and where all troubles are gone and you are free to walk under open skies, build sandcastles , swim in a waterfall, climb a tree. It is my hope that you have felt this way before. That you have felt like life was painted golden just for you.


Paint it Golden

Run away from money
Quit your job and climb a tree
One with hearts instead of leaves
Build a sandcastle big enough for us to sleep
Paint it golden with the sunrise

Chorus:
Cause we are
Like a wingless bird
Crashing down
To the helpless earth
And if somethin's gonna break it
See it all around you
Feel it in your body
You'll be hiding in the shadows
Where love is still alive
'Til all of it is burning

Through a field we're walkin
Empty as the open sky
We escape from all the troubles
Found a waterfall and
Took a dive to cool our skin
Finally we found this feelin'

Run away from money
Quit your job and climb a tree
One with hearts instead of leaves

the root of it...

There are lots of different ways that people make decisions. There are those that carefully think and over think their every action. There are those who know exactly what they want, those who can't decide, those who flip-flip and those who always tote a hardline. Sometimes we get to be the decision makers and other times we are disproportionately affected by the decisions made by those around us. Regardless, it's often hard to know if you're making a good choice. Did you go to the right school, join the right church, take the right job? Sometimes it feels as though I've made all of these seemingly insignificant choices and somehow ended up on this path- not necessarily the one that I set out on.

I watched a PBS documentary on Rwanda in a class at school recently. It's a long video, so we've watched it over a few classes. Without going into too much detail, I can assure you that the genocide that occurred there in 1994 was some of the worst atrociries that humanity has ever seen. This documentary shows people hacking other people to death with machetes. It shows Kofi Anan and Madeline Albright expaining how they really didn't know that 800,000 people had be systemically wiped out. It interviews a 12 year old girl who was the lone survivor of a masacure of hundreds of people in a church and stayed there, amongst the dead, for more than 40 days. The conflict in Rwanda was hell coming to earth.

Yet somehow, there were small bits of beauty in this documentary. It spoke of the ONE (literally, one) white, American who stayed in Kigali during the genocie...a Christian aid worker. He sent his family back to the U.S., but stayed himself because he believed it was the right thing to do. The documentary honoured a Senegalese UN soldier who singlehandedly, and secretly rescued hundreds of people. And then there was Romeo Delaire who stayed in Rwanda, even when his own organization betrayed him and the people of Rwanda. He stayed and faced the possibility that he might lose his life for something he believed in.

The heroes of the Rwandan genocide are good for my soul. As awful as it was to watch footage of bloated bodies float down rivers- there was still light in the darkness. There were people who were brave, couragous, selfless- there were heroes.

This takes me back to when I was talking about decisions. I've had an incredibly fortunate life thus far. I am lucky enough to be receiving high levels of education. I have it really good. But the thing is, I really want to do good things with my life- perhaps not to the extent of those I just spoke of, but I want to make a difference in the world...to be a part of new life, of good news, to restore humanity- I want in on that. And sometimes I wonder how or if any of that will happen. I wonder what next year will look life, or the next 10 years for that matter. I am wondering if how somehow being where I am now affects where I can go later.

But I'm learning that no matter what decisions we have made, or where we are now, how we got here , how long we've been here- none of this really matters. What matters is that God is the God of possibility, of new life, of unexpected goodness.

I have no idea what is coming my way next month- not to mention next year, or in five years. But I take comfort in the fact that I can never 'decide' myself into a situation where I'm too far gone to be used...and I can never get myself into a place where I am un-usable by God. As humans, I think that we think we have some sort of incredible predictive capacity for how something will turn out, or that we can somehow assume that we know what is coming next. I'm learning to be prepared for surprises- to know that doors will open that I have never even thought of- that things I thought I'd always do may never come to fruition. Regardless of how plans change or life surprises me, I take comfort in the fact that God is good, and knowing and that really, in the end- things work out.

Really, the root of what I am talking about is trust. Trust in the idea that I am not necessarily the maker of my own destiny. Trust that there is hope. Trust that it's ok to not always know what is next or even what is right. Trust that there really isn't a threshold by which we've "screwed up too much."

I'm not saying that we should think lightly about the choices that come our way. Nor am I saying that everything always works out perfectly, or even great for that matter. We should use each moment and each choice to practice being others-focused, to love and to do good- but we can also rest in the fact that we've never gone to far down one path to change directions.

Life and other important things

I went on a great roadtrip this past weekend with my boyfriend to visit on of my oldest friends and her boyfriend in Pittsburgh. It was a really great trip- we somehow ended up at a chilli making contest at this picture perfect looking University...eating chilli and getting these pretty hilarious t-shirts with airfresheners on the back...

But, what I am most struck by, a few days later is a conversation that we had on the drive home. My boyfriend is very good at bringing ideas full circle. What I mean by this, is sometimes we have a conversation that lasts for weeks. Maybe it is because we are both students who are forced to do this academically, but it seems everytime we talk about life and other important things, the same themes come up for a good number of weeks. It's interesting too, because I think we both come away from these conversations having pulled out different ideas. For example, I just did a presentation at school about social movements in post-apartheid South Africa- it was pretty interesting. So, In the car we started talking about social movements here at home, the role of the middle class and why no one seems to care anymore. We talked about how we all seem so apathetic, how we like comfort-whether secretly or overtly. We talked about the idea of a generation that is so lazy- that people literally spend a LOT of time sitting on their asses. So, social movements and apathy...these were the things I was thinking about.

Matt, on the other hand, has been thinking a lot about the idea of dying to one's self- this has probably come from conversations with friends or reading or whatnot. From this- the idea that if one wants to truly live then s/he needs to die to oneself- has come the idea of slowing down. Dilberately going slow- thinking slow, talking slow...listening long. If we want to 'die to ourselves' it's not going to be easy. Nor is it going to be a one time act- "...ok, myself is officially dead." Not at all. In fact, dying to one's self is probably a lot like salvation- it's a process, it's a decision, it's going to be made over and over again, it's going to feel great and awful. It's ongoing.

I say all of this- because this is the part where we started to talk about what does this 'dying to one's self' even look like. I mentioned that sometimes I get confused because I keep expecting something or some time is going to come along when I will be able to make this great transition- where I'll be "there." Luckily, I have come to know that there most likely be any sort of monumental moment where I will 'die to myself' or begin to live the way that I think I am meant to. But this begs the question- how does this process begin? What does it look like?

This is where the idea of slowing down comes into play- and how it ties our two steams of thought together. It could be argued that we probably need to die to ourselves in order to get off our asses. That we need to learn to, and then ACTUALLY put others first if we want to create any sort of movement. Like I said before, I have come to realize that this most likely isn't going to involve some sort of "Eureka!" moment- but rather be a slow, contemplative, painful and beautiful process.

So, we slow down. We question our actions, we pray, we question our desires, our intentions, the things we value. We question things when we slow down to really think about what we do and who we are. I think if we want to see change in ourselves and ultimately in our world, we need to slow down. It's important to realize how difficult this will be- we live in a culture and under a capitalist structure that is all about progress, getting ahead- getting to the destination in as little time as possible. I'd like to suggest that real life happens in each moment, in each choice, in each time we respond in some way to the world and people around us.

The people who come before us

Since I've moved to KW I've started meeting with some friends that are all somehow connected in the camp scene. For me, it started pretty organically- my old roommate Steph, from my undergrad days (and long time friend) and I met up with a couple for beers a couple weeks in a row. This couple is about 10 years older than us, but still connected to the same camp. Needless to say, that couple had talked with another couple about meeting regularly, and voila- we started meeting on Tuesdays for dinner. So for the last two weeks weeks there have been 7 of us that have met and all brought a part of the meal. It has been so good for my sould to sit and eat and drink with people that I respect so much. On Tuesday night we told stories about crazy family members (like, REALLY crazy) and it was just great. The two married couples that are about 10 years older than Steph and I have been friends for a very long time- so it is really cool to be able to witness friendships and marriages in action that have been through a lot and relationships that have lasted decades. One of the guys was telling a story about how back in his student days, he was so poor that he made HOMEMADE yogurt! Sick! (It involves leaving milk on a dryer vent for a few days)- it was a hilarious story, in a gross way- but it struck me today how important stories like that are for me. It is so conforting to know that people have come before me- people have been poor students, young lovers, travellers, had crapy jobs, newly weds, have been unsure where life was going to take them...but they have somehow managed to come out the other side relatively unscathed...and in some cases, have had hilarious stories to tell. We need to hear the stories of those who have come before us- because it lets us know that the future is not something to be feared, because they prove that it is ACTUALLY true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and because it allows us to know that everything will in fact be ok.
I am so very grateful to have people to look up to, that I truly respect. They are most certainly in a different place in life than I am- but they make things like being married, having a house and children not look so freakish...they laugh, drink beers, tell jokes.,..they are normal. And they've already been where I am at- so they have the wisdom of retrospect.
It's a great thing.
It's been beautiful to be a part of a community that has evolved over beers, glasses of wine, stories about cute kids and washing dishes.

Conflict

I've been thinking a lot about peace and conflict lately. Probably, because I am doing my master's IN peace and conflict and I am forced to read and read...and read about it all the time. But I've also been thinking about personal conflict lately- and the way that myself and others deal with conflict. I am starting to think that we've got this certain "way" here of dealing with conflict when it arises. I am not sure if it's a Canadian way. a Western way...or what, but I am pretty sure it's bad. I've also been noticing, that we have a climate of competition- I think this is directly linked to capitalism and our western way of thinking. Let me explain...

So, we are taught- indirectly and directly, that we must strive to be the best- even as a child, most activities kids do are highly competitive. I can say this, because I am highly competitive- it's bad...sometimes I don't have fun if I don't win. A favourite family fable (that happens to be true) was when my Nana kicked my ass at snakes and ladders and I cried- and she refused to let me win. This wasn't last week surprisingly, it was when I was about 5. Needless to say, competition is all around us - and we try to find our niche in order to become the smartest/most athletic/most popular/best looking/richest/holiest/most involved/most radical, etc. I think this ultra-competitive atmosphere that we are raised in really messes with us. Why? Because not everyone can be number one. AND - number two and beyond generally have beef with whoever ends up being number one. Not to mention that fact that everyone has a different perception of reality, and people have a tendency to be jealous.

I say all this about competition because I think it creates conflict- and if it doesn't create conflict then it exacerbates it.
So, we have conflict in our lives. It's inevitable, natural and can be harmless- when dealt with correctly. But this is the thing...I think we rarely deal with conflict properly. There are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, we don't like feeling weak and admitting that we are intimidated/jealous/insecure etc. What are the chances that I am going to really like someone who I don't think likes me? Secondly, I think us humans are pretty clueless when it comes to understanding each other. I can't tell you how many times I have felt upset or wronged by someone who had NO idea they had done anything wrong- and I have definitely been on the other side of that too. Thirdly and finally, I think we live in a culture that allows and maybe perpetuates passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behaviour is defined as this (screw you academia- I am using wikipedia!) But I digress...

I think all too often I act this way instead of dealing with the issue. But I don't think it's just me...or maybe it is and I am just delusional. I guess what I am really trying to say, is that life would be a lot better and our relationships would be a lot healthier if when conflict arose, whether it's one sided or not, we actually address the problem- instead of being cold, distant, sarcastic, mean-spirited or any of those other passive-aggressive defense mechanisms that I (i should speak for myself here) usually use.

I feel like this is a negative behavior that has really come into the light for me lately and I feel like if I am serious about being the kind of person who I think I am meant to be, then this is something I am really going to need to curb. No matter what someone has done, I owe it to them to confront the issue, lovingly and with maturity.

I feel like I need to add a qualifier here- I am not sure why this has recently come to me. I don't know exactly what prompted me to realize that I have acted this way in the past. It came to me lying in bed the other night...mind you that might have been the night I dreamt that this girl in my program was working for CityTV doing election results. I think I need to sleep more! Perhaps that is the moral here!

Regardless, many apologies for the rant...and for your time that you spent reading this! Please don't get mad that I wasted your time and start to act all cold and funny around me :)

giving thanks

It's hard to believe that thanksgiving has come and gone. At the beginning of the summer, thanksgiving seemed light years away, and I guess in hindsight a lot of stuff has happened this fall- new house, new school, new car - lots of 'news'.
This thanksgiving was busy- I had three nights of thanksgiving dinners. It was chaotic. I have a bit of a loopy family- one of my brother's literally bounces off walls, my nana thinks that my dead grandfather crank calls the house ...you get the idea. But, despite the craziness and the quirkiness of my family- i love them and I am incredibly thankful. At my third thanksgiving dinner Matt's grandfather said this very beautiful and moving grace (how often is saying grace moving!?) before dinner. He thanked God for family and for food and asked that we would be mindful of our blessings as to not take for granted the gifts in our lives. There is definitely something to be said about really KNOWING how blessed and lucky we are.
Recently my car died- literally died. The transmission was shot and the car wasn't even worth enough to try to fix it. I had to wait a couple of days before my car could get looked at- so I had some time before I knew whether or not it was fixable. At that point, it was pretty clear that if it was too expensive to fix, then I'd need to suck it up and be car-less for the rest of the year. So, as I waited to hear the news about my poor '96 Stratus, I thought a lot about how since I bought the car, I have appreciated every minute I had it. Maybe it was because I bought it myself, or because I didn't have my own car till I was 23- but I was so thankful for my sweet green family sedan. When I found out that it was a write off, and I had to go clean my stuff out of it, it made it a little easier because I knew that I fully appreciated it while it worked.
My mom, who is incredible beyond space there is to write about her, bought me a new car- well, a new used car. There is no way I would have been able to just buy myself a new car- so my mom's gift to me was such a picture of undeserved grace- and such a gift. Yes, I could have sucked it up and gone car-less this year, but my mom wants me to be able to see the people I care about, to be mobile and to not have to take a 3 hour bus to get home. I can assure you that I will definitely not take my new car for granted either.
I tell you about this car issue, because the same thought came to me this past weekend. I hope that I never take my family, friends, food and shelter for granted. Because I know, that if one day, one or all of those things cease to exist, at least I will know, while I had them, i knew how great I had it. So, I guess I need to ask myself- do I truly understand how good I have it?
I even had that thought today. I went to a damp church basement to exercise my right to vote- in a provincial election- a democratic right that people in places like Myanmar/Burma- are willing to die for. It's just a provincial election- it's a pencil mark on a piece of paper- but do I really know how good I have it?
I am thankful for so much- for friends, family, my education, my right to vote, my new little car.
That I am loved- that I have people in my life whom I love deeply.

Bowling and Eating Alone

Since I have been at Waterloo, I've been learning a lot. And not just about international relations. Since I have been living here, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of community- particularly when it comes to meals.

I'll give you a little background.

I moved in with a girl that I found on a grad-housing board. She's great- but she is busy and until last week, we didn't even have a couch, let alone a kitchen table. So, without any kind of common sitting space, and not knowing each other very well, my roommate and I have had good talks in the kitchen and in passing, and while making meals if we both happen to be home at the same time- but we have not sat down and ate together.

So, sometimes I eat alone at my desk in my room...sadly, watching 'The Hills' on mtv.ca - don't judge- we don't have cable! Cooking for one person isn't very fun either- I cook healthy, but boring and easy dinners.

However, it's not all doom and gloom because there have been a number of days that I have been lucky to have friends to have dinner with. One night I met Lauren G at Bomber, another night Laur came over and we ate dinner and drank wine on my floor, Steph, Jus and Steeper and I have met twice for meals and that has been good for my soul. Last weekend, Amanda had everyone over to her place for a birthday dinner- and the night before that Sim, Nik, Amanda and I made dinner and pie together after apple picking. Tonight, I had a really nice dinner with two girls from my program in between two events related to our collective research. It was particularly cool, because we had a chance to talk about the upcoming provincial election- a topic few people are overly interested in.

I tell you all this because I don't think it's good for a person to eat alone. All enjoyment is removed from the process of preparing a meal for just one's self- for me, mostly because I am tired, rushing in from a long day, and eating simply becomes a necessity- and when I eat by myself, it is a stark reminder that I am alone.

Tomorrow night some of my girl friends are coming over for dinner and I can't wait. Eating together provides a forum for good conversation and for nourishment for more than just the body. Whether it's been a great week or a terrible week, there is something about gathering together that feels as though we are doing something that we are meant to do.

We live in a culture where individualism is valued and praised. We have a certain amount of respect for those who don't need to depend on anyone, who live a sort of "Marlboro man" type existence. I think we have somehow fooled ourselves by assuming that leading an unassisted life is glamourous. It's not glamourous- and while you may have less dishes to wash, it's sad.

I have never really thought about the impact of eating alone, or even really spending a significant amount of time alone before because I have never experienced it. I have always lived with groups of friends, at camp, in tree planting communities or with my family. But, I bet a lot of people have never really known anything else. I imagine that there must be a myriad of people out there who work all day and come home to empty houses, or even people who come home to their spouses, but might as well live in an empty house. Loneliness is the pandemic of North America.

Political scientist Robert Putnam in his provocative work, "Bowling Alone" discusses the significant decrease in American's involvement in team activities or sports (voluntary organizations or civil society). The idea behind his title, is that while numerically MORE Americans are bowling, less people are bowling in teams- they just go to the bowling alley and bowl alone. His work focuses on the implications of this in the marco political sphere- but I think my point is also demonstrated.

A lot of people probably go home and eat alone after they finish bowling alone.

I realize that I am so lucky to have people to share my life with- and a lot of my meals. Around the table (or on the floor) we can share about our day, remember that the world doesn't revolve around us- and most importantly just BE with each other. I am also reminded of the countless people that maybe don't have friends to keep them company or to cook for. I want to try to be more mindful of people that might be lonely in this way- and I want to invite them to my house for dinner- because I am positive that it would be better than any episode of 'The Hills' ever could be.

Happy 23rd Birthday Amanda!

To my beautiful friend:

Hoping you have the best birthday yet, and an even better year! Thank you for your friendship and for all the ways that you have taught me about love, grace and trust through example and over late night tea. The world got a little better the day you were born and I feel so lucky to be your friend. I'm looking forward to a lifetime of friendship and many more birthdays to come!
Love,
Cait

To be known

Today I was looking at a poster sale in the student centre on campus. I was looking at the different prints by various artists and began to think a bit about what it means to be known. One of the posters in particular stood out to me. It was a painting of the back of a woman's head. Her hair was up, and her hands we around the back of her neck. It was really quite beautiful. Another poster was just a sketch of a woman. Very free hand, but also very beautiful. At first I imagined the artists who created these works. I imagined that they had seen beauty in these women and wanted to capture a piece of it, as to make it timeless. But then, I thought, how must have the artist's subjects have felt? To be immortalized in some small fashion, to have some one examine every detail of you, as to not make any mistakes. I imagine as if they would have felt very honoured.
Now, I realize that just because someone paints a picture of you, or captures a beautiful moment on film does not make you "known"- but the more I began to think about this idea, the more it seemed true. We want people to see us for who we really are and to understand us at such a deep level that we don't even have words to express it.
It's funny that we go to such a great extent to express ourselves- to have 'favourites' - to spend a lot of time describing our interests, musical tastes and favourite quotes on things like facebook, that we feel hurt when we remember someone's name, but they forget ours, that we want our opinion to be heard and respected in the classroom, that there is something so deep and beautiful about knowing the little idiosycracies of the ones we love, and that we delight when the those we love know all of the little details about us.

We are people that long to be known.

The Psalms tell us that God has searched us as and that he knows us (Ps 139:1)- yet David still cries out to God and says, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" (Ps 139:23).

In a perfect world, there would be no longing to be known. I mean, I guess there wouldn't be a longing for anything. There is a line in a Brooke Fraser song that I think is very beautiful that says,

"I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me."

I like the idea that hope comes for us, but for the longest time, before I read the lyrics, I thought she was saying, "as I wait for hope to conform me." I want this hope that I have- not only the hope that one day I will be truly known, but also hope that one day I will truly have eyes that can see others and that the world will be restored, and that love really will win- I want it to conform me now- I'm not even sure if I understand what it means for hope to conform me- but I like it. I want the hope I have for the future to change the way I see things today.

I think I have figured out that I will never be able to be known to the extent that I desire to- and I don't think that you will ever be known the way you want to- not here anyway. And while I understand that God knows every single detail, our humanity and the world we're in prevent us from having the perfect relationship with God that we so long for. But, Brooke Fraser's lyrics remind me that hope exists for that very reason. Hope doesn't exist in perfection, there is no need for it. But for now, while we wait and long to be known and understood- we hope.

I think that the bridge of Brooke Fraser's song* so perfectly says what we are to do in the meantime:

We, we re not long here
Our time is but a breath
So we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know You

Hope is coming for me.



So, until the time comes when we hope no more, and we no longer need to find ways to show our souls to others, let's hope in confidence. And lets have eyes that look for God and all his glory in every corner of our lives.


As per usual, my thoughts seem to be so jumbled. My apologies. I want to include a couple photographs that I have of people in my life who are so important and lovely to me- I feel as though sometimes, through art, we are able to capture just a little bit of a person's beauty, mystery and value.











*painting at the top is by Salvador Dali
* C.S. Lewis Song, by Brooke Fraser

The Messy Digestion of Labels

A few weeks ago at camp, I had a great discussion with my co-counsellor about words and how we identify ourselves by them. We were talking about the word 'Christian' and my friend was saying how words and labels, while necessary in some respect, are also completely limiting. We were talking about how when I define myself by any given title, what I think that title represents, might be completely different than the person that I am speaking with. For example, someone might call themselves a "Christian" because they feel like they have been "saved" and have "accepted Jesus into their hearts". This is incredibly problematic because it assumes that those around us understand that the label ("Christian") is based on the same factors as we assume it is. It becomes even more complicated when we start to question the assumptions behind the labels as well. What does it mean to be "saved" etc... Another person might assume that a Christian is someone who follows that wayof Jesus...well, what is the way of Jesus, etc.

Secondly, labels put people in boxes. Recently, a person I was working with constantly brought up the fact that she was a teacher. "I am a teacher", she'd say. I think she probably did this to give her insights and opinions some more weight and value- despite the fact that this wasn't necessary. It was weird to me that she kept reminding us of what she did- because we would have valued her opinion if she was an accountant or a cashier as well. It seemed silly that she kept referring to herself this way because really, she is a lot more than a teacher- she's a person. And people are complex creatures that cannot be defined by how they pay their bills or what they have been trained to do.

The thing about labels is that sometimes they say more about what you AREN'T than what you are. Not to be too relativist, but it's important to realize, like I said above, that it is very rare that those around us even share common definitions of the words and titles that we use in everyday conversation. An easy way to demonstrate this is to ask a random group of people what the word environmentalist, feminist, activist, green, vegetarian, religious, radical, revolutionary or peacemaker means to them. I guarantee you that everyone will say something slightly different.

I am not exactly sure where I am going with all of this. I'm not trying to argue that we need to drop labels all together- maybe we need ways to catagorize people and thoughts to make sense of the world around us. However, maybe the more we label, the more we actually misunderstand people...maybe the more we catagorize, the LESS we actually understand who a person is. I am realizing that even when I label myself something, the people around me are going to interpret what I call myself through their own lens, perspective and experiences.
It's all very complicated.

I wonder what it would be like if the only label that I had for myself and those around me was "person" - or even better, "person worthy of love"...

Imagine.

And of course, as I have been thinking about how words can be very limiting and harmful to our understanding of ourselves and those around us, I have also been reminded about how words can also be beautiful and meaningful and can speak to us on a deep level.

I love the idea of the imagry of words. I heard a song recently, written by a girl I know that says, "open wide and digest deep." I have never been told the thought process behind her lyrics, but I know that for me, those words have played on repeat in my head as I have been going about my life. And the idea of digesting love and knowledge and pain- has become very real and beautiful. Digest deep.

Likewise, on the painting that my friend painted for me (shown above), there is a line that says that there is a tree of life that is "planted firmly in the messy soils of love." Ahhh, and I just love that idea- because I think about soil and how when you put your hands in the earth and dig, it's dirty. But it is also so, so satisfying- and necessary for things to grow. The messy soils of love- just words, but somehow profound enough for them rumble through my head and give me a tangible picture of what love is made up of.

It's late and I feel like I have made a poor connection between my two thoughts. Please excuse the rambling.

If you get nothing else from the time you've wasted reading this, know that you are a person worthy of love- and be conscious of the words around you that speak art and truth into your life.

A New Leaf

I've moved to Waterloo and officially become a poor graduate student. This big change has definitely been the onset for a lot of thinking. It's weird when it appears as though everyone in your life stays static but everything around you changes. I don't overly enjoy change- but perhaps ironically, I love adventure. These past couple of days have felt like I have recaptured my independence a bit. I spent so much time last year learning about the importance of putting relationships and people first. I learned that we are designed to be dependent on each other. It's interesting though, as I am realizing that independence is in some ways the other side of the same coin. Yesterday, a good friend of mine left a beautiful painting on my doorstep that she had painted. It's a stunning piece of art and she made it for ME- it's an abstract-ish tree with deep roots and interwoven branches. This painting reminds me of where I come from, who my people are and highlights the fact that I have a huge group of people who I love and who love me. Yet, while I am dependent on my friends and family in a non-tangible sense, I have really felt a sense of my 'aloneness' these past couple of days. Not alone in the bad sense of the word, but in the fact that I have to set up hydro accounts, find my way around a giant university, cook for myself, navigate through hoards of terrible paper work, find out where the nearest coffee shop is- all of these practical things. I am learning to do things on my own. And like I mentioned above, I think this is possible because I come from such a loving family (in the exteneded sense of the word).

So, here I am. In Waterloo...sitting in the student centre- watching a LOT of people walk around wearing hardhats and waving flags (weeeeird!)- and I am ok with it. I am excited/anxious/ready to see why the heck I thought it was a good idea to come here. I feel like I have chosen to go to graduate school for a reason and I feel like eventually I will understand what that reason is.

Thank God for the peace that is sometimes gifted to us. And for change and the unknown, that keeps us on our toes and ensures that we don't think we've got all the answers or everything figured out.

The Small Things Baby, the Small things!

Last night I was having a beer with my great friend Nik and I had another small (or maybe an continued) revelation. I guess it's something that I have been learning all summer- in life, the small things really matter.
We were talking about how sometimes the kind words people say, or the little things they do, are only remembered by one person. My mom has a magnet that says, "To the world you might only be one person, but to one person you might be the world." It's cheesy yes, but I think it's also true. And the same can be said for our words and our actions.

I remember how my grandparents used to make my brother and I "goodie bags" for when we'd leave their house- filled with obsene amounts of fruit, rasins and homemade "granola-ish" bars. I remember the time when Laur gave me red tulips after my grandfather died. I remember how my friends made me a care package of sugar free goodness when I was on a road trip during the time where I thought I was addicted to sugar. I remember when my friend Kim called yesterday, just to see how I was doing. I remember Connor sending me countless emails to keep me company at work. I remember when Brit generously contributed towards my trip to Ecuador, even though she worked full-time for free. I remember the time when Morgan let Laur and I stay at his place and left us all sorts of nice stuff. I remember the time Steeper and Leah sent me beautiful birthdy cards. I remember when Amanda had the new Pat Robitaille cd mailed to my house. I remember the time Boo Boo gave me a booster juice card. I remember when my friends made a POSTER of my face to take to a concert that I couldn't make it to. I remember when my Mom made me awesome dinners everynight for a YEAR- because otherwise, I resort to cereal. I remember how happy the Underground family made me every Tuesday night and how every "fam" gathering brought a little bit more joy into my world.

These are the small things- but together they equal a lot of the goodness, beauty, peace and love in my life. I don't know if any of these times are ever thought of again by anyone else but me...but like I said before, these times have made my world. I want to remember these times and remember that the small things really do matter. It's not an earth shattering revelation- but it's true. We will never know how much we impact the lives of the people around us- for better and for worse. I want to be mindful of this in my daily life so that I can, hopefully, in some small way, be a part of someone else's small moment of goodness.

I am incredibly grateful for all of the unbelievable people in my life, who with their small gestures of love and goodness, have been conduits of grace and truth.
Thank you.

Heroes and Hearts

We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also.
-2 Cor 6:3-13.

Back in February, I heard Donald Miller speak at a conference for youth workers at Willow Creek. It was quite an overwhelming experience to say the least- Willow Creek is a church of 30,000 people- it looks like a mall, has a waterfall AND a cafeteria. I was most excited to hear Donald Miller speak, because I have read all of his books multiple times (gosh, I am a nerd)- but I love his writing, his perspective and how he is a Christian, but doesn't seem like a weirdo.

Donald Miller based his talk around the idea of stories and heroes. He talked about how it's not surprising that kids are getting into a lot of trouble these days, drinking, drugs, sex, consuming- sort of getting stuck in lives that aren't really going anywhere. He was completely non-judgemental, as his point was, that it is no wonder that kids (and adults)get stuck in lives like this- because it's seemingly exciting. And the problem with the Church, or Christianity, or whatever you want to call it, is that it can seem incredibly boring. And I fully agreed with good ole' Don Miller. It CAN appear boring- all about rules and ritual, about a life of depravity...blah, blah.
So, then he told a story about his friend's daughter, who was going down this crappy path, making bad choices, dating some dude who was going nowhere. He talked about how her father decided that the whole family had to come together to help the daughter realize that she wasn't living up to her potential. So, somehow, they got involved with a project in Mexico that helped orphans find homes, or something along those lines. The point is, that that daughter felt like she had become important in the lives of other people- in a way, she had become the hero. She was suddenlu living for something beyond herself- she didn't need a dead end boyfriend, she was a frigging hero!

Donald Miller went on to talk about how a life lived for God, a life of faith should never be boring. That in fact, we are called to be heroes. It's kind of a cheesy story, and I realize that saving orphans doesn't and shouldn't define us, but I think his point was a around about way of saying that we are made for something more.

After I heard him speak about heroes, I thought a lot about it. I love to read, and like most people, I always cheer for the hero- the underdog, the one who makes the tough, but noble decisions in the face of great adversity. And sometimes, I try to picture my life in a book- and I look at my decisions and the way that I react to things and sadly, more often than not, I don't think that I act like the hero that I want to be.

I was thinking about this last night as I read through 2 Corinthians...Paul talks about how he and his buddies are trying to make the right decisions, to live righteously and justly in a land and time that was anything but. What really spoke to me though, is the part where Paul tells the Corinthians that they have "freely opened wide their hearts to them" and then remarks how the Corinthians's hearts remained closed. I imagined that must have been pretty crappy for Paul- because I know from experience, sometimes I have opened my heart to others to find a closed heart in return- and worse, I have closed my heart to people that have freely given me theirs. I am learning that in relationships, it takes being a hero to open up your heart to people- especially when they seemed to have closed themselves off from you. It takes a hero to know that the right and loving thing to do- is stay put, dig in- keep your heart open- no matter what the response is. I am ashamed to admit that sometimes, if I feel that people have wronged me, my initial response is to pull away, close myself off- I guess because I feel like I need to self-protect, but worse is that I want to in a way, punish someone for hurting me. I feel like a monster staying this- but it's true.
Reading the letter to the Corinthians and thinking about heroes has made realize that being a hero can be as small as keeping my heart open- and recognizing and correcting my closed heart when I feel myself wanting to withdraw from people when I feel slighted, replaced or demoted.

Identity is such a funny and evolving concept. This summer I taught a session on Identity in Christ to a group of 16 year- olds and here I am, weeks later, learning that it's a much bigger picture. Like Paul says, in Christ, we possess everything we need- including a place where our hearts can be infinitely open, knowing that there is no risk of failure or pain- and from that- we can go out into the world and love people without conditions. I love how Paul says that he has
not withheld affection from the people, despite the fact that he felt like something was clearly off in their relationship. Life is way too short to be cheap with our love and affection for others.
I want to love people without conditions- I want to love people despite how they feel about me. I imagine that is what the hero would do...
Open up heart.
Open up.

in case you forgot...

All things new

I was listening to song today and one of the lines said:

You make all things new.
You make all things new.

There is something to be said about new things- tangible and conceptual...a new car, a new book, a new day, a new love, a new song, a new baby, a new friend, a new adventure, a new start, a new pair of shoes.

It's amazing to think that God is and is going to make all things new. I find great hope in that. A new me sounds great- not an entirely different me, but one refined and sifted of all the crap that I have picked up along the way, all of the things about myself that I don't like- my need to please people, my capacity to judge and be indifferent.

Newness is so appealing.

A new world, a restored world- marked by peace, love and beauty...that is appealing too. The craziest thing is that I am invited to be a part of restoring creation- bringing about newness. It's incredible how God chooses to use people (who need to be restored and made new themselves) to be agents of change and rejuvenation.

There is another song that I was thinking about today from the Garden State soundtrack. It's called Winter by Joshua Radin- this line always strikes me:

But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wake

This line reminds me of how I think we do all long to be renewed- it's a powerful realization when we finally get that we don't need to stay the same- that we can change.

We don't have to stay this way.

We are offered newness daily. It's such a beautiful and mysterious concept.

I realize that I have used my own interpretation of Joshua Radin's lyrics, but I think he has it right when he says, " if only I would wake." Because, while I think newness is offered to us daily, it seems like there has to be a conscious choice or an intentional decision on our part to accept being made new. A lot of the time, for some unknown- but most likely deeply embedded reason, I hold on to a lot of the shit in life. It's almost as though we carry our crap for so long that we don't know who we are without it. It's scary that our identity can become so wrapped up in the ways we've hurt people or the ways that people of hurt us. Humans are weird. We do need to wake up - to become conscious of letting go of the things that are old and broken- the past.

Today I choose to be made new. To be open to possibilities. To believe that I can change- and that I don't need to stay this way.

You make all things new.

Deception

When I was driving today I was thinking about the phrase "two-thirds majority world"- I think I must have read an article recently that used that term. Also, at Guelph, development students almost always use "majority world" as opposed to the common "third world."

So, I was driving, thinking about the phrase "2/3 majority world" - but this time, rather than just letting it be a fleeting thought, I actually did the math. I pretended for a second that 2 out of every 3 people I know lived in poverty. It is sad and strange how the phrase became so much more powerful when I used people that I know in my imaginary illustration. The bizarre thing is that I was driving and if I had pretended that two thirds of the people on the road were a part of the 'majority world', 93% of the cars on the road would suddenly disappear because only 7% of the world's pop'n owns a car. Almost everyone I know owns a car. Most families have 2 and many have 3 cars...

It made me think about how even though two thirds of the world's people live in conditions that I can't even begin to understand, I never see it. I feel like this one third of people who live like I do, live in such a bubble- in such ignorance of what the world is actually like. What makes this possible is a complete stratification of poverty- we NEVER see the other two thirds. We live in complete oblivion ( or purposeful ignorance?)- we forget that "our world" is really only a tiny fraction of the bigger picture. I am not saying that there are not seriously poor people here in our midst- because there are-but it's sad the criteria that I use in order to determine if someone is poor- where and what they live in, where they get their clothing, how many and what type of possessions they have, etc. Especially when a great majority of the world does not even have food security or access to save drinking water.

Imagine a world where the 'two thirds majority' world intersected with our 'rich one third world' - imagine that you didn't need to fly across the world to see what that really looks like.. Imagine if suburbia didn't protect and shield you from the reality of how MOST people in the world live. Imagine if most of your neighbours didn't have access to basic health care, water or food? Imagine, like I did, that two out of every three people you saw every day lived in sub-human conditions?

I wonder if things would change? I wonder if we would actually do something. Maybe the reason that we (myself fully included) are so apathetic is because we are masters of deception. We have successfully convinced ourselves that we deserve excess- and more than that, that our 'one third' world is really all there is. We have convinced ourselves that we need to compete with our neighbours so we are not poor in relation to them. We consume so we don't get left behind. We consume and compete because we think financial freedom is real freedom- but we are in chains. Chained to the very thing that we think gives us life, freedom, and choices.

I don't know what make me think about the actual breakdown of rich and poor in the world today- but I am glad that it happened. I don't want to continue to live in ignorance. I need to remind myself daily of the realities of our world. If I don't- all that I am left with is the lies that I tell myself- that I am all that matters, that wealth is determined by what I have in relation to those immediately around me.
I need to remember that not that long ago, I met people that lived and worked in a garbage dump- that I could hardly breathe in. There is a lot more to the world than what we can see.

Repayment

What can I give back to God for the blessings he's poured out on me? I'll lift high the cup of salvation—a toast to God! I'll pray in the name of God; I'll complete what I promised God I'd do, and I'll do it together with his people.
~ Psalm 116: 12-14 (the message)

Lately I have been feeling a lot like the Psalmist who wrote this. What CAN I give back to the God who has lavished me with goodness? I was visiting a friend's church this past weekend and we sang this song and basically, the only words in the song were "thank you" - The song was incredibly cheesy, it seemed like the keyboard was on some wonky setting that reminded me of all things churchy and words like "fellowship" and "afternoon social"- but I digress...

The point is, amidst the ugly music, the words of the song happened to be the words of my heart.



I am so thankful.



So, in my usual style, I started to REALLY question what I could give back to God? How does one live out of thankfulness? I think that there are innumerable answers to what this might look like. I am reminded of John 21:16 where Jesus asks John if he really loves him and after John answers "yes," Jesus tells him to look after his sheep. In my recent uber-awareness of being thankful, it does feel a lot like I am saying "i love you, i love you, i love you" a lot...and I get that out of this love that I have, I can turn it into action by loving the people that God loves- in tangible and non-tangible ways.

I've recently been challenged to not be such a "love-snob" (my own words). Essentially that means is that I am learning to stop judging whether or not someone loves people or Jesus or whatever based on how "all-in" they are, or how radical or how holistically they love and serve people. I apologize if this isn't clear, but what I am learning from this is that (in Matt's words) -we put a lot of conditions on love.

What does putting conditions on love have to do with living out of thankfulness you might ask? I might ask that too- as apparently I am the queen of rambly tangents....

Well, at the same time that I started thinking about thankfulness I realized that the way one lives out gratefulness does not necessarily need to be big and radical- in fact, there is a particular beauty to paying attention to the small, the minute, the limitless ways to love and be thankful. I don't need to necessarily wait until I can lead the life of simplicity or justice that I want to in order to love. That doesn't mean that the ideal, the radical, and the life altering choices we make aren't important- it just means that it is not right to think that "grateful living" is only borne out of lofty ideals, despite how 'right' they might be.

Life in community is an example of this- recently a few of my friends have been going through tricky situations and it's been a privilege in the deepest sense of the word to be able to be there for them- because I know that in my previous times of need, they have been the people who have been there for me. It's a small and simple thing- loving and caring for one's close friends is not a life altering idea- but it's still love. I know that my friends who are facing challenges are welcome to drink out of the reserve of thankfulness and confidence of God's faithfulness that is within me- I know this solely because at times I have borrowed the very same thing from them. Even as I think about community and how incredibly grateful I am to have friends to share life with- literally-to share life with, again I question, "what can I give back to the God who has poured out these incredible blessings on me?" Maybe the real answer is that there is nothing we can give back- nothing that would ever make us even. It's grace.

Redefined

thankful

friends that cheer you up. wine with roommates on mondays. nice families. new friends. being excited to go out. new adventures. old cards from people i love. getting in touch. short term anticipation. learning lessons. trusting god. hot showers. considerate hosts. red tulips. being warm and dry. refills of coffee. unexpected kindness. weekends in thunder bay. dry boots. sharing oranges. lilacs. bbqs. waking up to sunny skies and no rain. decorating new spaces. young, hip moms. sleeping beside a lake. knee slappers. captivating books. apples. retrospect. feeling healthy. covenant. double chocolate caramel brownies. forever. phone calls from family. red skies at night. singing. light at the end of the tunnel. love actually. rambling journal moments. getting into a new book. the feeling after a run. getting back on track. ipods. the cheers at the end of a toast. used book stores. newspapers. lasting friendship. meteor showers. reading on the couch on rainy days. vanilla lattes. animal crackers. still haven't found what i'm looking for. unexpected phone calls. time well wasted. home cooking. picnics by the lake. red wine. cbc radio. tea. fun thursdays. big mugs. clothes out of the dryer. sunsets. losing track of time. ruining moments. getting it. first glimpse of the ocean. chocolate chips. clean laundry. songs on repeat. clarity. love.

In the meantime

"Patience is an extremely difficult discipline because precisely because it counteracts our natural instinct to flee or fight....It is the third way and the most difficult way. It calls for discipline because it goes against the grain of our impulses. Patience involves staying with it, living through it, listening carefully to what presents itself here and now....In short, patience is a willingness to be influenced even when this requires giving up control and entering into unknown territory." ~ Nouwen, McNeill and Morrison

Time, waiting, distance, and the unknown seem to be recent themes of mine. I even already wrote about it in an earlier post. I don't feel as though this is the type of waiting where the world seems to be rotating in slow motion, or where the present moment seems meaningless- more that I am aware that I miss a lot of present moments because I am too busy anticipating exciting things in the future. Even the title of my blog speaks volumes...

I want to talk a little bit about what I have learned about time and patience from the book Compassion. I really recommend that EVERYONE should read this book...you can order it here.
The authors argue that "patience is the discipline of compassion." They explain how the words passion and patience are derived from the Latin word pati- which essentially means "suffering"- see, you learn something new everyday!
Understanding the root of the word makes the rest of their argument more clear- but first, they help the reader to overcome the notion that patience equals passiveness.

"...True patience is the opposite of a passive waiting in which we let things happen and allow others to make decisions. Patience means to enter actively into the thick of life and to fully bear the suffering within and around us. Patience is the capacity to see, hear, touch, taste, and smell as fully as possible the inner and outer events in our lives. It is to enter our lives with open eyes, ears, and hands so that we really know what is happening " (emphasis mine).

This resonates with me because I am afraid that I am too busy anticipating, preparing, thinking, dreaming, worrying about what is next to really FULLY touch, see, smell, taste or hear anything in the present. I am worried that I am half-assing my present! This is promblematic if I ever hope to be compassionate- to "suffer with" people - or experience joy with people as well.

Essentially, impatience is saying, " I don't think that this moment, this situation, the here and the now, has any value, worth or meaning." I can see how people can live their entire lives like that...I can see how I could live my entire life like that. Really, it is a "grass is greener" or "you don't know what you have until it's gone" complex. And like most awful things in life, it's cyclical- thinking that way can never lead to contentment.

I am more excited about "down the road" than I can even explain, but I need to remember that every step to getting there is essential....to getting there. "In the meantime" is all we really have and if today was all I had, I hope that I would see it as enough.
To not be fully present in whatever current situation you are in, is to shaft the people around you and the God who wants to use you to show others His love. It reminds me of people who are "half listeners"- you know the people that I am talking about...you talk and you can tell they are really only half listening to the things you are saying, regardless of the importance of your words or feelings. It's annoying and insulting and maybe that is what we are like when we live one foot in the present and the other in the future...or the past, for that matter.

In conclusion, BE where you are- really BE there. Know that you will eventually get where you are going, and then you'll be on your way somewhere else. Let's not look back and wish that it all didn't go by so fast. It's cliche, but you REALLY only have one life, one shot- one today. Soak it all in so that you can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell the world around you. It's necessary for compassion and whenever the present turns into the future- you'll be all the more ready.