"You give me miles and miles of mountains and I'll ask for the sea..."

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the gray. The metaphorical colour between the black and the white, the cut and the dry, the place where "the fence" got such a bad name and where things can go either way. I have been thinking about this gray place for a long time. A few years ago, a good friend of mine even painted me a painting titled, "Beauty in the Gray." Recently, the idea of 'the gray' came up again. I think that there is a problem about seeing life in binary oppositions, that something can be understood as an all or nothing thing. I realize that sometimes in life, it is a necessity to be "all or nothing" or completely white or black. An example of this is in a marriage, or as a committed parent. The gray that I am thinking about is probably just another way of being afraid of the unknown and being afraid to make decisions. Recently I have had a bout of this. My inability to make decisions comes and goes- I really first realized that I could be freakishly indecisive when I was buying dish soap for my old student house in Guelph and I had to smell every single type before I chose one. Yup, I have a problem. The ironic thing is that usually the bigger decisions have come very easily to me- decide what to study, where to do my undergrad, the choice not to apply to law school, where I would do my masters, where I would live next year - (But maybe those really aren't even the "big decisions"). I get confused when all of the sudden choosing what I am going to have for breakfast, or what to do for the day, summer, or night becomes a challenge. Clearly, indecision comes from somewhere. I've been thinking that perhaps it has something to do with my confidence to make good choices, a fear of failure or just not trusting God. What I am really afraid of is that I am having a hard time deciding things because I am indifferent.
This is where the gray comes into play. Gray can be beautiful when it's about being able to see the good in the seemingly ugly and the hope in the seemingly hopeless. Gray is good when it means that one can understand where someone is coming from, even if they don't necessarily agree with them. However, it is becoming more clear to me that gray can also be really negative. It can mean that I am being wishy-washy, half- ass or just plain indifferent. If I choose to live in that, I am not only not living the way that God intends me to live, but I am cheating myself and others. It's crazy that not being able to choose a dish soap can have such a deeper significance. I don't want to live in fear of making a bad choice- but I also don't want that fear to prevent me from doing the things that I want to do and being the person that I think I am meant to be.
So, I am going take the most out of the gray and work on being more confident in all of my decisions. Asking God for help, listening to friends- trusting my mind and not being afraid of making mistakes. I'm going to commit, even to my smallest choices and go with it. I'm going to look for the beauty in the midst of it all- and do my very best to put great love into everything I do.

Conversion

Back in the day when I was younger and more involved in the camp scene, we used to sing this song that I loved called "dwelling place"- The part I liked so much said, " All the earth shall worship and sing unto Your name....every knee will bow.." I loved the imagery of people loving God and in my head I pictured LOTS and LOTS of people...stadiums full!
I got to thinking about this today when I was driving. Why are Christians so obsessed with converting people? I drove by a sign on the 400 that said, "LIFE" in huge letters and there was a GIANT Bible sculpture/structure beside it. How WEIRD is that? I tried to imagine if I wasn't a Christian what I would think of that...well, I know what I would think of that- it's ridiculous. I just don't think people ever changed their minds from the words on a sign- I wondered what the intentions of the person who put up those signs.
So lets say that someone "converts" to Christianity- I HATE the word convert- because it makes following Jesus sound like a one time decision that a person makes and that's that. But for the sake of the argument, lets say they convert. Then lets say that they join this whole mass of people that have suddenly "converted" to Christianity. If they become Christians or "convert" but their hearts don't beat for the same things that Jesus was all about, than it makes absolutely NO difference whether or not "all the earth is worshiping and singing unto His name." Yes, maybe the converts will feel "safer", they'll feel like they aren't going to be tossed into the pits of hell when they die- but I don't think the world becomes any better. For me, this is the major problem with Christianity- people do not understand that by deciding to follow Jesus, you are essentially agreeing to do your best to bring heaven to earth.
The concept of heaven and earth colliding and intersecting is really new for me- but when I heard about it, it made complete sense. Jesus says, "The kingdom of God is now." God made the earth good- and one of the biggest tragedies of Christianity, is that we have come to let ourselves believe that heaven is this entirely different world/sphere/dimension and all we need to do to get there is say that little prayer and "let Jesus into your heart" - whatever the heck that means. I think that eventually, God is going to renew the earth and make all things that have been wronged by sin, right.But in the meantime, I think that we have the capacity to bring both heaven and hell to earth. Being a Christian is all about letting Jesus live through you, and living in a way that brings heaven to earth- and by that I mean - living out of love, grace, compassion- the way that God intended for us to live. Of course, we are not going to be anywhere near perfect, and we are going to struggle and be selfish a lot- but we're human and God already knows all our failures- he knew them all in advance and still thought that it was worth it for you and I to be born. We can use our will, choice and lives to fight the structures that oppress people and bring hell to earth as well. In his book, the Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell talks about Rwanda and argues that the genocide there in 1994 was basically hell on earth..and it was preventable.
So, yes Christians are always trying to get people to join them, to increase the numbers of Christians in the world. Christians are all concerned about "saving peoples souls" - and yes, while I believe that you and I are in desperate need of saving, some of the kindest most loving people I know are not Christians at all. I want people to come to know Jesus because I want them to understand that they are loved, forgiven and created intentionally. But I have also come to understand that I want people to come to know Jesus so they can join in bringing heaven to earth, in making choices based on the life we are intended to lead- a life based on relationships not material stuff, of love not success, of equality not ability. I don't want to "save" people from hell - I want people to help bring heaven here. Maybe I am being crazy judgemental in saying this, but maybe people don't even really get the heart of Jesus if they don't want to love in the way that he loved. And maybe, we aren't being radical enough...Jesus wasn't exactly a watered-down guy- maybe we need to start loving a little more radically. Maybe that is the first step of making things a little more heavenly around here.

A thought on friendship and rejection

Today I had a pretty enlightening talk with my friend over msn (who knew enlightening conversation was possible on msn!) and we were initially talking about change. I hate change- I most especially hate change that I have no control of. The twenties is seeming like a pretty tumultuous time- I always read in women's magazines that women in their 40's and 50's are much happier and more "themselves" as they age- although maybe they are just saying that to try to offset their loss of youth- either way, the point is, the twenties involve a HELL of a lot of change. Then we got talking about friendship- and how hard it is to keep friendships vibrant and real when everyone is changing so much. Friends move, get married, get domestic, travel, and develop new interests and friends. The we got to talking about whether or not friendship can be "for a season" - because that can explain how some friendships just seem to fade out as people "move on." So what do you do when you have a friendship that has changed so much that it is almost unrecognizable? When everything about how the friendship used to work is different? My friend, who happens to be unknowingly brilliant, said "maybe you have to let it go." She said that true friendship, probably like true love, doesn't need to be held on to so tightly in order to make it stay. Then she said something even more brilliant- she said, "Maybe rather than letting go, you need to dig deep and get real." I paraphrased a bit there- but she is right. It makes a lot more sense to get real, to hold on- to not be afraid to show all of our insecurities, our weaknesses, all of the beautiful, ugly messes that we are. People fear rejection- and I am wondering, is there anything worse than being rejected by the people that we previously felt loved by? I think this is why it is easier to retreat, to move - than it is to say "I miss you, I miss the way things were." Retreating is easier than fearing rejection- besides, who DELIBERATELY chooses to put themselves in a place where they could be shut down...especially when unexpected rejection is BOUND to happen.
Like it happened to me today...
I got UNINVITED to a wedding, I was never even invited to. Isn't that awful? I was going to go with a friend as her 'date' but apparently there aren't enough spots left (note to self- ughhh, if I get married- don't do this!) Anyway, so it's not really a big deal- but it's definitely unexpected rejection- well, double time I guess, if you count not getting invited to the wedding in the first place!
So, this brings me back to friendship- the friendships that we have to work on, get real, get our hands dirty, be willing to be honest, be willing to go deeper than the surface. I'm realizing that takes a lot of guts and courage- and it definitely could end bad. Things and people do change and move on... so the question is, is it worth the risk? I'd like to think that it definitely is.
So...now, what is the first step?

Start Living

This was tagged on the bottom of an email I got recently and I liked it...

"Start living now. Stop saving the good china for the special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God."
- Mary Manin Morrissey

The Waiting List

Lately I have been thinking a lot about waiting. I hate waiting. When I was a kid I would rush through projects in school so that I could move on to the next project. As you can imagine, I made some terrible artwork...even for a grade 2. I have never liked waiting because it makes me feel like I am not in control, like I am not the boss, and that life is ticking by.
What seems like a simple issue of impatience, is so much bigger when I start thinking about all of the areas of my life that are impacted. From traffic to line-ups in a store, waiting for work to end, the weekend to start, waiting for an email, waiting for a decision, this "season" of life to end....I feel like I am always waiting.
Today I found out that I got wait listed for something. It was really not that big of a deal...seeing that regardless of this acceptance or not, I was going to decline. It was a little sad to know that I am wait-listed, even though I was "very close to the top" - whatever that means. But then I did something a little out of character. Instead of waiting to see if I was 'chosen,' I emailed them and told them that I had made other decisions and to please remove me from the list. It would have been nice for my ego to get notice saying that they were interested in me. But it was SO much more freeing to decline and not have to WAIT for their response.
I was talking to a friend today who is involved in a pretty complicated dating situation and the idea of waiting up again. She was telling me how she feels like she has changed so much in the past five years, that it is impossible to predict what she'll be looking for, or what she'll be doing in another five years. I was reminded that we wait to see where our lives will take us. A lot of the time, our lives will unfold in ways that are completely out of our control ...so, we wait. I was frustrated at this....I HATE waiting!
I need something that I can do in the meantime...in this in between time when I learn that it's about living in the moment...when I REALLY learn this...Here is what I came up with. My friend doesn't know where she'll be in five years, but she does know WHO she'll be. Because there is never any waiting involved there. We can be WHO we want to be in every moment of every day. We can be who we are intended to be at any moment, any minute. This is grace- and while I am just going to have to deal with the world around me not running according to my schedule, who I AM and what I VALUE are fully controlled by me...and I never have to wait. So my friend can rest in the fact that her values will deepen and develop and her experiences will continue to shape her- but she doesn't need to wait five years to know who the core of her is...what matters, who matters.
I realize that this is a small revelation- but it seems practical...at least a little, and that is what I need.

Right and wrong

Every once in while I have these strange moments where I feel a little bit crazy. Except, its not me, but rather me watching me. These moments almost always happen when I am singing worship songs in a big group, praying for someone, closing my eyes to sing etc. In these moments I think about HOW WEIRD this whole thing is- this Christian life- and all the things that go along with it. I think about how no one in my family sings to God, lays hands on people, prays. The question that I always have is, how did God find me? The way that I first heard about Jesus and God and His love is easy, but I feel like it's a much bigger question. Why did I understand that God loved me? Why does Jesus and His life make sense to me? Why doesn't it make sense to other people? I have no idea any of the answers to these questions, but I do know that I am beyond grateful. I guess awe is really the right word. And even though I have no answers, and there is no logical reason why God found me- I know that it's right...and good. Really good.
Today a friend of mine got kicked out of her place- she's 16. She has had a rough go of it to say the very least. Everything that she has gone through has been undeserved. The people who were suppose to protect her and guide her have become voices of anger, violence and lifelessness. I know that she is perfect and beautiful in God's eyes and I tell her that every chance I can- but I can't help wondering , is my voice loud enough- can the voice of God drown out the voices of parents, friends, teachers, culture, herself. In times like these the darkness is so obviously dark- and wrong is so clearly wrong. It's not that I don't think that the light prevails- but there is something so CRAZY when the contrasts are so stark.
God has found me- and I know he has found my friend too and even though her situation is horrible and wrong- He's in it with her...light in darkness- the right coming into the wrong. I think that is beautiful, and good, and holy.

Green Grass

I've been thinking a lot about my first blog. I wanted to make it a good one, start on a good note. I started to write one the other day about commitment- but I trashed it. You see, I used to be a commitment phobe- maybe I still am When I started to write about it the other day, I don't think I even realized the extent of my phobia. Today things became a lot clearer though and it is only now that I understand the extent of this weakness.
In the past (even the very recent past) I lived my life in four month blocks of time, like most university students. Each semester was a new beginning, a bench mark, a time for change. Like many students my life was transient and consisted of a lot of moves and constant repacking. Each spring I would be free from the restrictions of school to go to camp, up north to plant, to B.C, some where different. I always looked forward to this change of pace, new place and new friends. I thought that it was a really positive quality, a need for independence and exploration. I think I almost prided myself on my "need to get away." In retrospect, my desire for a change of atmosphere wasn't a strength at all, but a weakness. I knew that the beginning of every spring meant that I could escape the friends, family and life that I had at home and trade it in for something 'better' - even if it was only for four months. By the time the summer would end, I would usually be tired of my new adventure and be ready to come home. I was never forced to stick it out- to muddle through the mundaneness, to invest. It was all about me, about doing something exciting, new, different and better. Although I didn't realize this at the time, this impacted all of the relationships in my life- how could it not? I've only now learned that so much of the beauty that is friendship is found only when I stop thinking about myself.
This year I have met people that are more committed to others than they are to themselves, more committed to nurturing and fostering their existing relationships as opposed to jetting off to make new ones. Seeing people live like this has been absolutely life changing. They value others.
God is slowly teaching me that it is not all about me. It must be hard work for Him because I need to learn that my money isn't all mine, my time isn't all mine, even a lot of my desires can't be all about me. I'm learning that I don't need to run anymore. It's going to take some time and there are going to be times when life feels boring and I am going to wish that I was off on some great adventure- but, at the end of the day- it's the people that matter. It's the friends that I want to invest in, that I want to invest into me that matter. God is showing me that He wants to use all of me. I've learned all about surrendering to Him many times, but I need to continue to hear that until I slowly let go of my need to get away- which I am sure springs out of a fear of some sort, or maybe worse, is just pure selfishness. I want to value people the way that I think Jesus values me- with everything. I want to live my life out of that truth. I don't want to fear "being in it for the long haul"- I know this is what God wants for me. He wants to show me that the grass is greener where ever there is love and that is where He is. For the first time ever, I think I am in a place where I know my heart can stick it out for the long haul...and I feel a little bit healed, and that there is hope- even for a committment phobe like me.