"You give me miles and miles of mountains and I'll ask for the sea..."

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the gray. The metaphorical colour between the black and the white, the cut and the dry, the place where "the fence" got such a bad name and where things can go either way. I have been thinking about this gray place for a long time. A few years ago, a good friend of mine even painted me a painting titled, "Beauty in the Gray." Recently, the idea of 'the gray' came up again. I think that there is a problem about seeing life in binary oppositions, that something can be understood as an all or nothing thing. I realize that sometimes in life, it is a necessity to be "all or nothing" or completely white or black. An example of this is in a marriage, or as a committed parent. The gray that I am thinking about is probably just another way of being afraid of the unknown and being afraid to make decisions. Recently I have had a bout of this. My inability to make decisions comes and goes- I really first realized that I could be freakishly indecisive when I was buying dish soap for my old student house in Guelph and I had to smell every single type before I chose one. Yup, I have a problem. The ironic thing is that usually the bigger decisions have come very easily to me- decide what to study, where to do my undergrad, the choice not to apply to law school, where I would do my masters, where I would live next year - (But maybe those really aren't even the "big decisions"). I get confused when all of the sudden choosing what I am going to have for breakfast, or what to do for the day, summer, or night becomes a challenge. Clearly, indecision comes from somewhere. I've been thinking that perhaps it has something to do with my confidence to make good choices, a fear of failure or just not trusting God. What I am really afraid of is that I am having a hard time deciding things because I am indifferent.
This is where the gray comes into play. Gray can be beautiful when it's about being able to see the good in the seemingly ugly and the hope in the seemingly hopeless. Gray is good when it means that one can understand where someone is coming from, even if they don't necessarily agree with them. However, it is becoming more clear to me that gray can also be really negative. It can mean that I am being wishy-washy, half- ass or just plain indifferent. If I choose to live in that, I am not only not living the way that God intends me to live, but I am cheating myself and others. It's crazy that not being able to choose a dish soap can have such a deeper significance. I don't want to live in fear of making a bad choice- but I also don't want that fear to prevent me from doing the things that I want to do and being the person that I think I am meant to be.
So, I am going take the most out of the gray and work on being more confident in all of my decisions. Asking God for help, listening to friends- trusting my mind and not being afraid of making mistakes. I'm going to commit, even to my smallest choices and go with it. I'm going to look for the beauty in the midst of it all- and do my very best to put great love into everything I do.