tis the season

May joy, peace and love be yours this season! 

Happy Christmas!

Ritual and Tradition

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas- a complicated history with a great and horrible time. Christmas, it seems, brings out the very best and the very worst in people. In a recent post I rambled on and on about the evils of Christmas. I wrote about how I hate the "capitalism on crack" aspect of it all, the greediness, how those who need are those who go without, and us- the ones who have everything under the sun, receive more shit to store in the basement once the shiny-newness-feel- great -about -all -of -my- stuff sentiment wears off. Don't get me wrong- I still feel this way- Matt and I stopped into a mall on the weekend (trust me- it will be the ONLY mall that I go into for a LONG time) and it was chaotic hell. 

But- there is so much I love about Christmas too. I was thinking about this while drinking coffee this morning here at work and I think I figured out why I love it so much. Obviously- it's about people- family, relationships and love. But perhaps what makes Christmas so special with our loved ones is the rituals and traditions that we have.  

There is something incredibly comforting about knowing how the holidays work. I know that Christmas morning- my brother will obnoxiously enter into my room and tell me to get my ass out of bed- and I'll marvel at how frigging early it is, and how every year- despite how LAZY Evan is- he'll make it out of bed before me- bright eyed and bushy tailed. My mom will make coffee and then we'll sit around in our living room and open our stockings- one. wrapped. item. at. a time.

Since I was little- my mom wrapped all of our stocking gifts individually- which made opening them so exciting. Like my brother's freakish early morning rising on Christmas day- his patience and genuine joy in GIVING his gifts to us has always surprised me. For as long as I can remember Evan and I have always filled a stocking for our mom- when we were really young, our Grandma helped us buy things, but for the past 10 years probably, Evan and I have done it ourselves. I think because our parents are divorced and because my mom always made a stocking for Ev and I, we thought that we should make one for her- and now, looking back at our younger selves I feel a deep sense of pride- like I can look back on Ev and I as small kids buying our mom probably completely random stuff for her stocking and how appreciative she was of us- and how much we loved doing it for her. I can't speak for everyone from single parent families, but I know for my brother and I- our mom literally was and still is everything to us- anyone who knows her can attest to her strength, competence and compassion. So making a stocking for her has always been something that we find great joy in- it's a tradition and part of why I love Christmas. 

Like I mentioned before too- Christmas is so meaningful because I can physically see how much my mom and my brother love to give gifts. I think we all can understand this feeling- when you have tenderly searched for the perfect gift for someone that you love- and there is so much suspense and excitement as they open it- because you want them to love the gift that you've chosen for them. You want them to feel loved. I'm always shocked at how emotional I can be at Christmas- last year, because I know my mom would be selling the house this year, I copied the pencil marks on one of our doorways that documented our growth all those years in our house. I put it in a frame and of course, my mom cried when we gave it to her- and then I got teary eyed-- because it meant something- to her and to me. I love that part of Christmas- the joy of giving and receiving- especially gifts that have lasting meaning and significance- gifts that weren't purchased on a whim in some hellish mall, but rather gifts that include a bit of heart, a lot of love or time--gifts where the person has literally given you a piece of themselves. I love that.

 I love the silly traditions that don't have an obscene amount of meaning, but are just things that you do every year and love. For us, we usually watch a movie on Christmas eve-- the past couple of years it's been Love Actually (Mom's request) and a favourite of mine. We always skip dinner and eat a random assortment of finger foods and mozzarella sticks and mini spring rolls. I have no idea why we do this- but I love it. Then on Christmas morning- we eat an artery clogging breakfast of eggs benedict. Delicious. 

Decorating the Christmas tree is another tradition that I love. The last couple of Christmases I have been fortunate enough to be with Matt's family when they decorate their tree. I love to hear all of the stories of the ornaments, where they came from, or how Matt's mom sewed her own ornaments the first few years of their marriage because they didn't have any decorations. That history is so rich and the stories that are shared during the decorating of the Christmas tree are so meaningful and full of lives lived and memories kept. I felt so lucky to be a part of that- to add my own ornament to their beautiful tree. 

Finally- (hello, welcome to story time with Cait...) at my Dad and Sam's house Evan and I have always had stockings. When we were really little they bought us these stockings that have bear heads on them-like the size of a normal teddy bear's head. It's weird now writing about it- I mean bear head stockings- weird, but yes, we have almost always had these. When Sam bought them for us- she also got us glitter glue and fabric markers to write our names on them. I think Ev was really small and needed help so Sam just wrote his name in sparkle glue. But ME- being the INCREDIBLY artistic and creative person I am - decided that rather than writing my name on the spot where it should go- would do a "design" on Teddy's giant head. So, I "drew" (read: scribbled) a Christmas tree on his big white head. It's hideous. I proceeded to attempt to write my name, but can now see that its illegible. My stocking looks ridiculous- but now, countless years later, I love seeing that stupid bear- and I love hearing the story that mine looks idiotic because I refused help and considered myself the child prodigy of Picaso. I was so wrong- but my 25 year old self loves the unabashedness ( is that a word?)  of my six year old self. 

See- I'm not scrooge- I don't hate Christmas. I just hate all of the pressure, the spending, the running around. How much better is it to just BE with the people you love rather than battle the masses the mall to find some stupid gift that will end up in a landfill some day. The rituals, the traditions, and specifically the time spent with family and friends are the only things that will last. 

I hope that you have many traditions and rituals to look forward to with your family this Christmas. 

Dry

There is this strange Christian conception about "living out of the overflow"- It's tossed around in Christian circles and to the best of my knowledge, it refers to the idea that we are to let God fill us with His abundant love, and then because we are so full of God's love, we are to lavish our love onto others. Despite its churchy overtones, its a nice concept. I was thinking about this saying recently- and questioning what it actually looks like to live this way. What does it look like when someone has love pouring out of them? I certainly don't know, because I am pretty convinced that I  don't live this way.

So, as a means to understanding this idea better- I decided to try to figure out what the opposite of "living out of the overflow" would look like.

Water is often used in the bible as a metaphor- and the word "overflow" itself seems to denote a liquid of some type- so, let's stick with water. 

The opposite of overflowing- is dry, barren, brittle...and thirsty. 

I would like to suggest that in our culture we live in a constant state of thirst or dryness. I don't know about you, but there are a number of possessions, accomplishments and people in my life that I need in order to feel valuable. For example, it makes me feel valuable knowing that I have a partner that loves me, a post secondary education and a place to live. More subtly, it makes me feel great when someone says that they think I am intelligent or that they like a particular piece of clothing I own. I'm not sure if this is hardwired into us, but the way that we have come to categorize something is through comparison. Again, for example- there is a sick and shameful place in me that secretly feels good when I have something (or someone or a certain accomplishment) that someone else (even if it's a friend of mine, and perhaps even more shamefully, especially when it's a friend) doesn't have that certain something. 

We use comparisons as a way of defining ourselves. It's a bit like living in the desert- where there is no water anywhere and EVERYONE is thirsty. You can imagine that such a place would become rather cut-throat as everyone is trying to quench their own thirst. 

I believe that the world we live in is like a desert.  We've got +6 billion people looking for ways to quench their thirst and meet their needs. In order to feel valuable, special and worthy, we must find sources of water. In North America, this "water" that I speak of is degrees, cottages, number of friends, weddings, being first, promotions, travels, blackberrys, nice cars, big houses, etc. 

You get the picture. 

Retail therapy is a particular term made up to describe this phenomenon when it refers to purchasing goods and services to make us feel better about ourselves. My good friend Deb just wrote a great post about how "online communities" (or rather anti-communities) are adding to this problem with people wasting hours and hours of time browsing their acquaintance's photos and lives. We spend ridiculous amounts of time updating our "statuses" to tell people exactly what we're doing in a given moment. We have become so focused on creating desirable "online images"-completely self-involved and narcissistic to think that all  432 of your  "friends" care that you're done exams/on holidays/tired/sick/excited for this or that.  I am completely guilty here. While I want to tell you that I have NO IDEA why I have participated in such bullshit- it that would be a lie. I have wasted time in 'fake online land' because of course I wanted people to think that I have a desirable and exciting life.

Might I say this is why you participate too?

The fake online world of facebook is a lot like porn-- not only is it addicting, but it disguises itself as "reality"- when in fact, like the contrived pleasure of porn stars, this world is anything but real. It's a carefully edited, constructed facade of the truth. It's a place where we have control as to what we look like, who can write on our 'wall' and who our 'friends' are. The more and more I think about it, the more sick it makes me. Last year for lent, Matt and I decided to take a facebook fast- 40 days, no facebook. I have to admit, that I glanced at it a few times, but in the end it was a refreshing break. I think it might be high time for another hiatus. 

We fool ourselves into thinking that we NEED things, can't live without such things. 

"How will I know about my friend's events if I can't check my "events" page?" 

" How will people get in touch with me?!" 

But in the end, it comes down to fear and stupidity. "How will I live without it?"- is answered by, "you just will."

Phew, soapbox facebook tangent over.  

So, we're a thirsty people who need stupid shit like blackberrys, facebook friends and cool clothes to make us feel good about ourselves. We're dry and we try to get a hold of any sort of liquid to quench our thirst. This is the absolute opposite of overflow. This is desert, wanting, and resources wars. This is the anti-overflow.

If this is what the overflow isn't, then what is it?

Living out of the overflow is first and foremost knowing who you are. 

You are I are exactly enough- as we are, today, yesterday forever. 

You and I are perfectly made by a creator who makes no mistakes.

You and I could not be loved any more. 

Nothing that I have or do- will ever, ever change this. My value, my worth-- is inalienable. Unchanging. Forever. 

This truth is only accessible, not because I am worthy, but rather because Jesus came to earth to show us a new way to live.  A way to love our enemies, to eat and drink together,  and to love the sick and the lonely. A way to be free. 

When I remember this simple truth, it doesn't matter to me what my job is, how much money I have or whether or not my friends think I dress cool. When I remember who I am, I am not thirsty, I am quenched...and my frantic scavenge for things in this world to make me feel good about myself lose their gleam and the facade falls away and I can see that it's all meaningless bullshit. 

In truth, these moments of clarity are few and far between, and unfortunately I spend way more time comparing myself to other people who in secret probably feel inferior too. But, in those moments when I realize that I am valuable as is- I don't need to compare myself any longer--and I don't need so much junk to  to fool myself into feeling great because I have brighter skin/lost weigh/have silky hair/the newest fashion must have/and on and on.

If we are were able to consistently remember who we are-I think we'd give consumerism a good run for it's money. We would no longer be fooled into thinking that any sort of product or title would  fill that hole in our hearts and we wouldn't need to buy more crap. We'd have more time to dream about ways to make the world a better place- how to help people, to create, to have tea, to paint, to imagine and talk together- face to face. 

We would live in the overflow- where all people would know that they are loved, that their names are carved on their creator's palms- and from that truth, joy would pour out onto the streets  and into the fields. The rat race would be over - and we'd all be winners. 

It is my deepest hope to live in such a world. 

To be loved is to be known.

Happy Birthday Matt!

Happy Birthday Matt!
Another year, another birthday blog. I am so grateful to be a part of your life- and so thankful for everything you are and who you have continued to be and become this past year. Here's to many more memories and many more birthdays.
I hope that your years become infinitely better- filled with joy, wisdom, love and hope.
You're the best.
I love you.

For the Hamilton Crew...

This movie is playing on Friday night at Melrose United Church
86 Homewood Ave

Here's a brief synopsis:

"From producer Morgan Apurlock (SUPERSIZE ME) comes the serious docu-comedy about the commercialization of Christmas. What Would Jesus Buy? follows Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping Gospel Choir as they go on a cross country mission to save Christmas from the Shopocalypse: the end of mankind from consummerism, over-consumption, and the fires of eternal debt!

Suggested Donation: $5
Includes Fair Trade Coffee

Do you want to come with?