Forgiveness, finally.

In my peace and reconstruction class we've looked at some traditional means of restorative justice- about how people can be restored to their communities after committing horrendous crimes, often against people in their own village. In parts of Africa, tribes perform rituals to accept the offenders back into their village after a civil war. I know one example where the combatants enter into the village and drink a bitter tea, representing the bitterness and pain of the conflict- and to remind themselves that they never want to drink from that cup again. We watched this clip from a documentary showing this ritual. I felt pretty inspired- It looked so healthy...it looked so hopeful. Boys who had killed people from their own village, were welcomed back. There was restoration and forgiveness. It was a really beautiful way to understand justice.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because when I put myself in the shoes of a villager whose husband or child was killed, I wonder how easy it really would be to open my arms to killers. Forgiving is a lot easier to talk about than to actually do. I am a pretty average person, and nothing atrocious has ever happened to me. Yet, there are people and events in the past that have hurt me in ways that unfortunately are still very real. As humans we have a great capacity to inflict pain on others. I have also been the one to hurt others at times. It's horrible- and it's unchangeable. The past is permanent and all we get is a choice to decide how to act and think in the future. I think often we need to circumvent our feelings to move on. Because sometimes how we feel doesn't get us anywhere. I might feel as though I am too hurt to forgive someone, or I might feel that it is impossible to move beyond a certain situation. I guess that's why we need to train ourselves. I think sometimes our feelings keep us chained.

So, going back to my example of the village- in some indescribable way, until a victim is able to forgive- they are never going to be free. So, two lives have been claimed. I say this realizing that I have never lost someone that I love to violence- and it is my hope that I never will- so, I have no idea at how hard it would be. Maybe it's even unfair to use this as an example...

I think that is why I was so struck by this documentary of the combatants re-entering their villages. I don't have words to describe how hard that would be to forgive someone who took the life of someone in your family. But people have forgiven. I am sure we have all heard or seen a story of incredible and breath taking forgiveness. And I bet if you have ever heard a story like that, you have passed it on. Because stories like that are holy.

So, conflict and pain are inevitable. Even the little things, or the really old things- it can be very painful. And I think we often in some unexplainable way don't want to forgive- and we don't want to forget. Because in some cases, the way people have hurt us have become part of our identities, have set us apart, have told us what we deserve- and I think even though it hurts, sometimes that hurt feels safer than forgiveness- safer than losing that event or person or moment in time that we use to define us. I think of it as a prisoner that has the key to the chains that restrain them, but choose to never open the lock. We live in a world that I think so easily blinds us to the truth- it's so easy to never know that we are in fact a key player in determining our own freedom. In choosing to forgive someone, in choosing to see someone's humanity, to give dignity to those who do not deserve it, to choose hope and new life rather than death and pain- we can be free.

I am not sure how we come to that place where it is clear that the path of forgiveness, though unbelievably painful, ultimately grants freedom. I have yet to figure that out in my own life. In many ways I still hold on to petty grievances. But I do not want to be defined by those things- even though my feelings tell me that there is still a wound and even though I don't want to forgive. I am not sure how we move beyond the place where we tell ourselves "that person does not DESERVE my forgiveness." But thing is, is that we too have been forgiven- undeservedly. And the beautiful thing, is that God is all about symbiotic relationships. When we forgive, we are free from our bitterness and our resentments and the perpetrator is free from condemnation. There are mutual gains by both parties. Like I said before, this is so easy to say, and so hard to do- I guess like all of the beautiful and worthwhile things in life. Easy is boring.

A friend of mine was describing another couple that are our friends. She was saying that their marriage works and is so inspiring because it is build on solid and constant communication and they both hold each other in the highest regard- and they submit, submit, submit to each other. I think we can all learn from this. We need to hold each other, and all people really- in the highest of regards. It makes life in general and especially cases where we feel we have been wronged to think of the humanity of the other party. To remember that those who hurt us have hopes, and feel pain, and brush their teeth before bed, and go to work, and love, and laugh, and bleed, and read the newspaper. We need to see our similarities and not our differences. I'm not sure how to make the jump from simply knowing this and changing our actions to reflect that we know this. It is very difficult because in the end, it comes down to grace.

Generally when I think about things like this, I always want to know how to accomplish this, what practical steps to take to move forward...but I don't have anything like that to even offer. I'm not sure how we become more forgiving and gracious- even though I know it is a beautiful and right. I want to hold people in high regard, despite the past and whatever the future may hold.