Life and other important things

I went on a great roadtrip this past weekend with my boyfriend to visit on of my oldest friends and her boyfriend in Pittsburgh. It was a really great trip- we somehow ended up at a chilli making contest at this picture perfect looking University...eating chilli and getting these pretty hilarious t-shirts with airfresheners on the back...

But, what I am most struck by, a few days later is a conversation that we had on the drive home. My boyfriend is very good at bringing ideas full circle. What I mean by this, is sometimes we have a conversation that lasts for weeks. Maybe it is because we are both students who are forced to do this academically, but it seems everytime we talk about life and other important things, the same themes come up for a good number of weeks. It's interesting too, because I think we both come away from these conversations having pulled out different ideas. For example, I just did a presentation at school about social movements in post-apartheid South Africa- it was pretty interesting. So, In the car we started talking about social movements here at home, the role of the middle class and why no one seems to care anymore. We talked about how we all seem so apathetic, how we like comfort-whether secretly or overtly. We talked about the idea of a generation that is so lazy- that people literally spend a LOT of time sitting on their asses. So, social movements and apathy...these were the things I was thinking about.

Matt, on the other hand, has been thinking a lot about the idea of dying to one's self- this has probably come from conversations with friends or reading or whatnot. From this- the idea that if one wants to truly live then s/he needs to die to oneself- has come the idea of slowing down. Dilberately going slow- thinking slow, talking slow...listening long. If we want to 'die to ourselves' it's not going to be easy. Nor is it going to be a one time act- "...ok, myself is officially dead." Not at all. In fact, dying to one's self is probably a lot like salvation- it's a process, it's a decision, it's going to be made over and over again, it's going to feel great and awful. It's ongoing.

I say all of this- because this is the part where we started to talk about what does this 'dying to one's self' even look like. I mentioned that sometimes I get confused because I keep expecting something or some time is going to come along when I will be able to make this great transition- where I'll be "there." Luckily, I have come to know that there most likely be any sort of monumental moment where I will 'die to myself' or begin to live the way that I think I am meant to. But this begs the question- how does this process begin? What does it look like?

This is where the idea of slowing down comes into play- and how it ties our two steams of thought together. It could be argued that we probably need to die to ourselves in order to get off our asses. That we need to learn to, and then ACTUALLY put others first if we want to create any sort of movement. Like I said before, I have come to realize that this most likely isn't going to involve some sort of "Eureka!" moment- but rather be a slow, contemplative, painful and beautiful process.

So, we slow down. We question our actions, we pray, we question our desires, our intentions, the things we value. We question things when we slow down to really think about what we do and who we are. I think if we want to see change in ourselves and ultimately in our world, we need to slow down. It's important to realize how difficult this will be- we live in a culture and under a capitalist structure that is all about progress, getting ahead- getting to the destination in as little time as possible. I'd like to suggest that real life happens in each moment, in each choice, in each time we respond in some way to the world and people around us.

The people who come before us

Since I've moved to KW I've started meeting with some friends that are all somehow connected in the camp scene. For me, it started pretty organically- my old roommate Steph, from my undergrad days (and long time friend) and I met up with a couple for beers a couple weeks in a row. This couple is about 10 years older than us, but still connected to the same camp. Needless to say, that couple had talked with another couple about meeting regularly, and voila- we started meeting on Tuesdays for dinner. So for the last two weeks weeks there have been 7 of us that have met and all brought a part of the meal. It has been so good for my sould to sit and eat and drink with people that I respect so much. On Tuesday night we told stories about crazy family members (like, REALLY crazy) and it was just great. The two married couples that are about 10 years older than Steph and I have been friends for a very long time- so it is really cool to be able to witness friendships and marriages in action that have been through a lot and relationships that have lasted decades. One of the guys was telling a story about how back in his student days, he was so poor that he made HOMEMADE yogurt! Sick! (It involves leaving milk on a dryer vent for a few days)- it was a hilarious story, in a gross way- but it struck me today how important stories like that are for me. It is so conforting to know that people have come before me- people have been poor students, young lovers, travellers, had crapy jobs, newly weds, have been unsure where life was going to take them...but they have somehow managed to come out the other side relatively unscathed...and in some cases, have had hilarious stories to tell. We need to hear the stories of those who have come before us- because it lets us know that the future is not something to be feared, because they prove that it is ACTUALLY true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and because it allows us to know that everything will in fact be ok.
I am so very grateful to have people to look up to, that I truly respect. They are most certainly in a different place in life than I am- but they make things like being married, having a house and children not look so freakish...they laugh, drink beers, tell jokes.,..they are normal. And they've already been where I am at- so they have the wisdom of retrospect.
It's a great thing.
It's been beautiful to be a part of a community that has evolved over beers, glasses of wine, stories about cute kids and washing dishes.

Conflict

I've been thinking a lot about peace and conflict lately. Probably, because I am doing my master's IN peace and conflict and I am forced to read and read...and read about it all the time. But I've also been thinking about personal conflict lately- and the way that myself and others deal with conflict. I am starting to think that we've got this certain "way" here of dealing with conflict when it arises. I am not sure if it's a Canadian way. a Western way...or what, but I am pretty sure it's bad. I've also been noticing, that we have a climate of competition- I think this is directly linked to capitalism and our western way of thinking. Let me explain...

So, we are taught- indirectly and directly, that we must strive to be the best- even as a child, most activities kids do are highly competitive. I can say this, because I am highly competitive- it's bad...sometimes I don't have fun if I don't win. A favourite family fable (that happens to be true) was when my Nana kicked my ass at snakes and ladders and I cried- and she refused to let me win. This wasn't last week surprisingly, it was when I was about 5. Needless to say, competition is all around us - and we try to find our niche in order to become the smartest/most athletic/most popular/best looking/richest/holiest/most involved/most radical, etc. I think this ultra-competitive atmosphere that we are raised in really messes with us. Why? Because not everyone can be number one. AND - number two and beyond generally have beef with whoever ends up being number one. Not to mention that fact that everyone has a different perception of reality, and people have a tendency to be jealous.

I say all this about competition because I think it creates conflict- and if it doesn't create conflict then it exacerbates it.
So, we have conflict in our lives. It's inevitable, natural and can be harmless- when dealt with correctly. But this is the thing...I think we rarely deal with conflict properly. There are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, we don't like feeling weak and admitting that we are intimidated/jealous/insecure etc. What are the chances that I am going to really like someone who I don't think likes me? Secondly, I think us humans are pretty clueless when it comes to understanding each other. I can't tell you how many times I have felt upset or wronged by someone who had NO idea they had done anything wrong- and I have definitely been on the other side of that too. Thirdly and finally, I think we live in a culture that allows and maybe perpetuates passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behaviour is defined as this (screw you academia- I am using wikipedia!) But I digress...

I think all too often I act this way instead of dealing with the issue. But I don't think it's just me...or maybe it is and I am just delusional. I guess what I am really trying to say, is that life would be a lot better and our relationships would be a lot healthier if when conflict arose, whether it's one sided or not, we actually address the problem- instead of being cold, distant, sarcastic, mean-spirited or any of those other passive-aggressive defense mechanisms that I (i should speak for myself here) usually use.

I feel like this is a negative behavior that has really come into the light for me lately and I feel like if I am serious about being the kind of person who I think I am meant to be, then this is something I am really going to need to curb. No matter what someone has done, I owe it to them to confront the issue, lovingly and with maturity.

I feel like I need to add a qualifier here- I am not sure why this has recently come to me. I don't know exactly what prompted me to realize that I have acted this way in the past. It came to me lying in bed the other night...mind you that might have been the night I dreamt that this girl in my program was working for CityTV doing election results. I think I need to sleep more! Perhaps that is the moral here!

Regardless, many apologies for the rant...and for your time that you spent reading this! Please don't get mad that I wasted your time and start to act all cold and funny around me :)

giving thanks

It's hard to believe that thanksgiving has come and gone. At the beginning of the summer, thanksgiving seemed light years away, and I guess in hindsight a lot of stuff has happened this fall- new house, new school, new car - lots of 'news'.
This thanksgiving was busy- I had three nights of thanksgiving dinners. It was chaotic. I have a bit of a loopy family- one of my brother's literally bounces off walls, my nana thinks that my dead grandfather crank calls the house ...you get the idea. But, despite the craziness and the quirkiness of my family- i love them and I am incredibly thankful. At my third thanksgiving dinner Matt's grandfather said this very beautiful and moving grace (how often is saying grace moving!?) before dinner. He thanked God for family and for food and asked that we would be mindful of our blessings as to not take for granted the gifts in our lives. There is definitely something to be said about really KNOWING how blessed and lucky we are.
Recently my car died- literally died. The transmission was shot and the car wasn't even worth enough to try to fix it. I had to wait a couple of days before my car could get looked at- so I had some time before I knew whether or not it was fixable. At that point, it was pretty clear that if it was too expensive to fix, then I'd need to suck it up and be car-less for the rest of the year. So, as I waited to hear the news about my poor '96 Stratus, I thought a lot about how since I bought the car, I have appreciated every minute I had it. Maybe it was because I bought it myself, or because I didn't have my own car till I was 23- but I was so thankful for my sweet green family sedan. When I found out that it was a write off, and I had to go clean my stuff out of it, it made it a little easier because I knew that I fully appreciated it while it worked.
My mom, who is incredible beyond space there is to write about her, bought me a new car- well, a new used car. There is no way I would have been able to just buy myself a new car- so my mom's gift to me was such a picture of undeserved grace- and such a gift. Yes, I could have sucked it up and gone car-less this year, but my mom wants me to be able to see the people I care about, to be mobile and to not have to take a 3 hour bus to get home. I can assure you that I will definitely not take my new car for granted either.
I tell you about this car issue, because the same thought came to me this past weekend. I hope that I never take my family, friends, food and shelter for granted. Because I know, that if one day, one or all of those things cease to exist, at least I will know, while I had them, i knew how great I had it. So, I guess I need to ask myself- do I truly understand how good I have it?
I even had that thought today. I went to a damp church basement to exercise my right to vote- in a provincial election- a democratic right that people in places like Myanmar/Burma- are willing to die for. It's just a provincial election- it's a pencil mark on a piece of paper- but do I really know how good I have it?
I am thankful for so much- for friends, family, my education, my right to vote, my new little car.
That I am loved- that I have people in my life whom I love deeply.

Bowling and Eating Alone

Since I have been at Waterloo, I've been learning a lot. And not just about international relations. Since I have been living here, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of community- particularly when it comes to meals.

I'll give you a little background.

I moved in with a girl that I found on a grad-housing board. She's great- but she is busy and until last week, we didn't even have a couch, let alone a kitchen table. So, without any kind of common sitting space, and not knowing each other very well, my roommate and I have had good talks in the kitchen and in passing, and while making meals if we both happen to be home at the same time- but we have not sat down and ate together.

So, sometimes I eat alone at my desk in my room...sadly, watching 'The Hills' on mtv.ca - don't judge- we don't have cable! Cooking for one person isn't very fun either- I cook healthy, but boring and easy dinners.

However, it's not all doom and gloom because there have been a number of days that I have been lucky to have friends to have dinner with. One night I met Lauren G at Bomber, another night Laur came over and we ate dinner and drank wine on my floor, Steph, Jus and Steeper and I have met twice for meals and that has been good for my soul. Last weekend, Amanda had everyone over to her place for a birthday dinner- and the night before that Sim, Nik, Amanda and I made dinner and pie together after apple picking. Tonight, I had a really nice dinner with two girls from my program in between two events related to our collective research. It was particularly cool, because we had a chance to talk about the upcoming provincial election- a topic few people are overly interested in.

I tell you all this because I don't think it's good for a person to eat alone. All enjoyment is removed from the process of preparing a meal for just one's self- for me, mostly because I am tired, rushing in from a long day, and eating simply becomes a necessity- and when I eat by myself, it is a stark reminder that I am alone.

Tomorrow night some of my girl friends are coming over for dinner and I can't wait. Eating together provides a forum for good conversation and for nourishment for more than just the body. Whether it's been a great week or a terrible week, there is something about gathering together that feels as though we are doing something that we are meant to do.

We live in a culture where individualism is valued and praised. We have a certain amount of respect for those who don't need to depend on anyone, who live a sort of "Marlboro man" type existence. I think we have somehow fooled ourselves by assuming that leading an unassisted life is glamourous. It's not glamourous- and while you may have less dishes to wash, it's sad.

I have never really thought about the impact of eating alone, or even really spending a significant amount of time alone before because I have never experienced it. I have always lived with groups of friends, at camp, in tree planting communities or with my family. But, I bet a lot of people have never really known anything else. I imagine that there must be a myriad of people out there who work all day and come home to empty houses, or even people who come home to their spouses, but might as well live in an empty house. Loneliness is the pandemic of North America.

Political scientist Robert Putnam in his provocative work, "Bowling Alone" discusses the significant decrease in American's involvement in team activities or sports (voluntary organizations or civil society). The idea behind his title, is that while numerically MORE Americans are bowling, less people are bowling in teams- they just go to the bowling alley and bowl alone. His work focuses on the implications of this in the marco political sphere- but I think my point is also demonstrated.

A lot of people probably go home and eat alone after they finish bowling alone.

I realize that I am so lucky to have people to share my life with- and a lot of my meals. Around the table (or on the floor) we can share about our day, remember that the world doesn't revolve around us- and most importantly just BE with each other. I am also reminded of the countless people that maybe don't have friends to keep them company or to cook for. I want to try to be more mindful of people that might be lonely in this way- and I want to invite them to my house for dinner- because I am positive that it would be better than any episode of 'The Hills' ever could be.

Happy 23rd Birthday Amanda!

To my beautiful friend:

Hoping you have the best birthday yet, and an even better year! Thank you for your friendship and for all the ways that you have taught me about love, grace and trust through example and over late night tea. The world got a little better the day you were born and I feel so lucky to be your friend. I'm looking forward to a lifetime of friendship and many more birthdays to come!
Love,
Cait

To be known

Today I was looking at a poster sale in the student centre on campus. I was looking at the different prints by various artists and began to think a bit about what it means to be known. One of the posters in particular stood out to me. It was a painting of the back of a woman's head. Her hair was up, and her hands we around the back of her neck. It was really quite beautiful. Another poster was just a sketch of a woman. Very free hand, but also very beautiful. At first I imagined the artists who created these works. I imagined that they had seen beauty in these women and wanted to capture a piece of it, as to make it timeless. But then, I thought, how must have the artist's subjects have felt? To be immortalized in some small fashion, to have some one examine every detail of you, as to not make any mistakes. I imagine as if they would have felt very honoured.
Now, I realize that just because someone paints a picture of you, or captures a beautiful moment on film does not make you "known"- but the more I began to think about this idea, the more it seemed true. We want people to see us for who we really are and to understand us at such a deep level that we don't even have words to express it.
It's funny that we go to such a great extent to express ourselves- to have 'favourites' - to spend a lot of time describing our interests, musical tastes and favourite quotes on things like facebook, that we feel hurt when we remember someone's name, but they forget ours, that we want our opinion to be heard and respected in the classroom, that there is something so deep and beautiful about knowing the little idiosycracies of the ones we love, and that we delight when the those we love know all of the little details about us.

We are people that long to be known.

The Psalms tell us that God has searched us as and that he knows us (Ps 139:1)- yet David still cries out to God and says, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" (Ps 139:23).

In a perfect world, there would be no longing to be known. I mean, I guess there wouldn't be a longing for anything. There is a line in a Brooke Fraser song that I think is very beautiful that says,

"I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me."

I like the idea that hope comes for us, but for the longest time, before I read the lyrics, I thought she was saying, "as I wait for hope to conform me." I want this hope that I have- not only the hope that one day I will be truly known, but also hope that one day I will truly have eyes that can see others and that the world will be restored, and that love really will win- I want it to conform me now- I'm not even sure if I understand what it means for hope to conform me- but I like it. I want the hope I have for the future to change the way I see things today.

I think I have figured out that I will never be able to be known to the extent that I desire to- and I don't think that you will ever be known the way you want to- not here anyway. And while I understand that God knows every single detail, our humanity and the world we're in prevent us from having the perfect relationship with God that we so long for. But, Brooke Fraser's lyrics remind me that hope exists for that very reason. Hope doesn't exist in perfection, there is no need for it. But for now, while we wait and long to be known and understood- we hope.

I think that the bridge of Brooke Fraser's song* so perfectly says what we are to do in the meantime:

We, we re not long here
Our time is but a breath
So we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know You

Hope is coming for me.



So, until the time comes when we hope no more, and we no longer need to find ways to show our souls to others, let's hope in confidence. And lets have eyes that look for God and all his glory in every corner of our lives.


As per usual, my thoughts seem to be so jumbled. My apologies. I want to include a couple photographs that I have of people in my life who are so important and lovely to me- I feel as though sometimes, through art, we are able to capture just a little bit of a person's beauty, mystery and value.











*painting at the top is by Salvador Dali
* C.S. Lewis Song, by Brooke Fraser