When you don't know what to do

Recently I wrote a post on about the idea of becoming- and someone posted a really interesting comment about what I said. He or she said that "becoming is a denial of being"- interesting. Definitely something to think about. I think there is still something to be said about recognizing that we change, learn, grow WHILE still knowing that we are already loved, accepted, holy and chosen by God. I am not sure if this is what the commenter was implying, but I am grateful for the chance to think about it a little more. 

One other thing that this commenter said really struck me and seemed to be a perfect starting point for this post:

"Knowing is not enough you must apply; willing is not enough you must do."

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I know a lot but only do a little. This problem was magnified in a recent trip out west. My mom and I went to Vancouver to visit my brother and his girlfriend. They are living out there for the summer, so it was a great opportunity to see some of the country and take a quick trip to Seattle. I lived in Whistler for 4 months one summer during my undergrad, so it was amazing to see all of the changes as they prepare for the olympics. 

Let me say this; I love the west coast. A lot. I think I could live there (although I should also say that the summer I lived there and this past week had incredible, sunny, warm weather, uncharacteristic really).  The scenery is to die for- mountains, rain-for Tofino est, and ocean= amazing. I'm so envious of the surfers in, the Skiiers in Whistler and the patio dwellers on Granville Island. 

When I was in BC during university, I really didn't spend too much time in Vancouver. I have known for a long time about Vancouver's problem of homelessness and drug use and on this trip I saw it with my own eyes. I have watched documentaries about the safe injection sites on East Hastings and have heard that Vancouver is a city with completely unacceptable levels of homelessness, but seeing it first hand was far more powerful. I am sure that if I had the opportunity to meet and get to know some of the people who live on the streets, the experience would have been even more real. 

To get to my brother's girlfriend's house we had to drive down East Hastings for a while. I was appalled, surprised, saddened and confused about the number of people on the streets. I am aware of the problem of homelessness in Toronto. I have some friends that work and volunteer at a community church that lives and works in community with the homeless in Toronto, but I have never seen anything like this. There were hundreds of people on the streets, pushing shopping carts, pan handling. The sheer number of people was shocking. 

I am ashamed to say that I really didn't have an interest in domestic poverty until after I graduated. I studied international development and falsely assumed that some people were concerned about domestic issues like aboriginal justice and poverty and others were concerned with problems abroad. Thankfully, my thinking changed and I realized that I can't compartmentalize like that. 

My mom and I talked a lot about Vancouver's situation. I felt stupid and ignorant to be surprised that poverty on such a massive scale exists like that in Canada. Perhaps more importantly, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to help these people- because no one should have to live like that. 

I know part of the problem is drug abuse and mental illness. These are diseases. Can you imagine if  many of the people with diseases like cancer, parkinson's and MS faced the social exclusion and treatment as those with mental illness? The problem is, I don't know what can be done. I know that my friend who works with people in Toronto spends a lot of her time just being with people who live on the streets. She genuinely considers them friends, she is changed and bettered by them and hopefully  vice versa. I know that you cannot throw money at a problem and expect it to be fixed. I know that people need to regain the humanity that has been taken from them and that this involves genuine care, love, time and a listening ear. Perhaps we need more social workers, more funding, better social policy. But as I drove down East Hastings, the problem just seemed so huge...that is why this quote " Knowing is not enough you must apply; willing is not enough you must do" is so striking. Because its true. Thinking and theorizing are safe for me but sometimes "doing" doesn't feel as comfortable. So I have come to the conclusion that I must "do"... whatever that means...I want to be part of a solution, not ignorant, not turning a blind eye. I feel like I am back in a familiar place that I have been so many times before- I want to help but have no idea where to start. I am ashamed to say that this has been my frequent excuse for inaction too many times. I hope this isn't just another example of that. 

* this photo is borrowed from missingwomen.blogspot.com (Oct 16th, 2007)

Just because...

1. One time I rappelled down the side of an old Basilica in Ecuador with no safety rope. That's me. I have no idea why we did it...

2. This is my boyfriend. I'm lucky.


3. Last night in our ultimate game Matt made two UNREAL grabs in a ROW. I was proud of him and only REMOTELY jealous!


4. Today I got a GST check...$92!

5. ...AND tonight I get to have dinner with three of my FAVOURITE people in the world...and I am going on a quest to find a notorious bumble berry crumble.

all of those complicated things...

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he has planned out for us long ago." Eph 2:10

Lately I've been thinking a lot about church, faith, salvation and all of those other complicated things. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I haven't come to very many conclusions. Basically, after hours of talking and thinking, all that I know is that I think God is love. Last night I came to the conclusion, that that's enough. I have no idea who gets into heaven, or how. I have no idea why the old testament God seems so different than the new testament God...but apparently are the same God. The thing is, I have all of the generic answers that Christians give to answer hard questions. I don't understand how a God who is in essence love, could ever allow people to spend eternity in hell, what ever that looks like. Mostly, I have have come to the conclusion that I really don't know a lot of things. Sometimes I really hate that feeling, like the more I learn, the less I actually know. Society likes us to believe in the concept of progress, of always moving to something better, becoming more "knowledgeable" or more "solid in our faith". Sometimes I think that is crap. Maybe that is mostly, like I said before, that that isn't true for me. I've been a Christian for a long time, and I think I question and doubt and wrestle now more than ever. And I think that is ok.  

I do know that I believe in the saving power of Jesus' death. I believe in salvation, not from hell or eternal suffering or whatever, but I believe in salvation for today. It's like this: there is freedom in Jesus because it is through Him that God tells us who we are. There is salvation for today because I know that my identity, my worth and my value is intrinsically tied to God's love. I am free today because I know that even though I am flawed,  I am perfect in God's eyes. I am saved because I know that there is nothing more I could do to make God love me any more. I experience life because through Jesus, God has shown me what is valuable: relationships, love, beauty, justice, grace, hope. I am saved because I have be shown that true life comes from loving and being loved- not career or material success, not fame, fortune or power. There is salvation in knowing my value has already been decided, that it is not dependent on how much I make of myself, or how I contribute to society. I am free because I have learned that life is not about me and knowing this has opened a whole new world. I am saved because I know that I am made for more than an education, a house purchase, a mortgage and living for the weekend. My value is not related to how much money I make or how many friends I have. I am saved from my sin or flaws or selfishness, whatever you want to call it. And each day I am given a clean slate and new eyes to view the world. I am saved because I have chosen to try to be the hands and feet of Christ in the world and free because I can see the love of Him in my friends, family and strangers. Salvation has come in the form of hope, when the world around me seems to be getting worse and worse, I am believing that He makes all things new- and that I can be a part of that too. Salvation is recognizing the moments where heaven and earth are intersecting and understanding that there can be hell on earth too- and trying to change that. 

I know that I have issues with the church- that it seems to be a place where people come to sit and listen to a sermon and leave. I don't think that is church. So I don't go. Church is about experiencing life together. Matt asked me last night to think of 5 characteristics or values that I think the church should embody. I said this:

1. It should be lived out of "the least of these" principle. We should recognize that we are all "the least of these" in some capacity and we should understand that there is no "us" and "them" but rather just "we"

2. It should be authentic- in the sense that you can be honest, struggle, disagree, question, doubt. People should be able to be real. 

3. It should breathe redemption and new life- knowing that Jesus' death on the cross overcame hate and death- and that we can be redeemed because of this. We should be agents of redemption too- not "saving souls" but restoring justice, beauty, love

4. A church should live in the conception of learning- from each other, from those outside the community, from children, from the environment, from the bible, from books, from God. Faith is dynamic and is always in motion, movement, change, flux. 

5. Inclusion- I have been to churches before where I have felt like an outsider...and no matter the good work a group of people are doing, if a person feels "outside" the clique, there is a problem. In my "ideal" church everyone is welcoming and makes an effort to be inclusive.

Matt has a similar list, but with different titles. We both struggle with the idea of the institutionalized church and probably idealize the early church too much. It just seems that the modern church has become another arm of capitalism and legalism- a terrible combination. It seems that people inside a church are under the impression that they are "heaven bound" and make it their job to "evangelize" to all of the "heathens" outside of their walls. The problem with this conceptualization is that it is inherently "other-ing" ; there becomes an "us" vs. "them"- and sometimes Christians say that they are "evangelizing" out of love, that they don't want people to spend eternity in hell because they failed to tell them about the "saving power of Jesus Christ". But, the thing is it seems a little crazy to me that God would choose to do things this way- especially when he came to abolish separation and segregation (jew from gentile, man from woman, slave from master etc..) It seems as if we've re-segregated by creating "saved" and "unsaved" -"Christian" and "non-Christian". I don't want to disregard the the sacrifice or Jesus- and how it really is lifesaving- for all of the reasons above. Choosing to recognize Christ's love and forgiveness is the biggest choice I have ever made- I just hate how it separates us. I don't think I am better than anyone- especially non-Christians. I don't think I have the answers about heaven and hell. I can fully understand why someone wouldn't want to let Christ love them (a) it sounds absurd, b) the church has done a lot of bad shit, c) a lot of Christians are hypocritical jerks, d) etc...)

This is the prayer of Saint Francis.

I like it. 

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

"And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's children should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep his love really is." Eph 4:17, 18

Dance like everyone is dancing with you...

I found this on another blog that i read and it MADE my day. I love the music, the freedom, the silliness, how it reminds me about how big our world is and how despite this, we are all the same.

I hope you enjoy it too. You can learn more about this dancer here


Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Not to brag, but I have the BEST friends.

Matt and I love Simon and Amanda. I just wanted to write quickly about how much I love them because of an event that happened this week. Sim's gone to camp for the summer, but before he left he gave Amanda a gift. Matt has a pick-up truck for work, and because the gift was large- we were going to take it to Amanda's house for her. Sooo...that meant that we got to stay for the surprise. We tried to be all inconspicuous and just linger around the truck. It was a crazy lightning storm and I was trying so hard to see the presentation of the gift- and of course I am blind so I had to ask Matt to root around for my silly glasses. Anyway, after they had three minutes to themselves, Matt and I couldn't contain ourselves anymore so we went over to see them. It was a really touching moment and I felt unbelievably privileged to be able to be a part of it. I am so grateful to have such incredible friends to learn from, laugh and cry with, and hangout with. 

We love you guys! Thanks for being exactly who you are! You mean so much to us!

You are a Mirror

During my usual "check out all my favourite websites instead of writing my research paper" phase (er...long phase) of the day I came across an interesting analogy that I really liked.

When a mirror aligns itself with the sun, it can be really powerful. We are mirrors, not the source. So align yourself with the forces of the universe – Be in the way. Ask yourself, “Is everyone winning?” That is the work of God.

I like the question "is everyone winning?"- also, I like the reminded that I am not the source, that I don't always have to be "on"- that can be exhausting.

I found this thought on this blog that I sometimes read (I am such a nerd) : Young Antibaptist Radicals (see...I am a HUGE nerd)
What can I say, I love the mennos AND the radicals.

On to more studious endeavors....
Have a good day!

(ps- Matt took this photo in NYC- I think he has a great eye!)

believe, voice, do, be

So, I am 25 now. Last year's birthday was a strange one because for the first time in my life I worried about how fast time goes, how I am getting older, and how 21,22,23 etc were such amazing years. I got over the "I hate getting older" phase by creating a new moto: get old or die. Because realistically those are the only two choices we have.

My 25th birthday was incredible. I was armed with my new positive attitude and surrounded by some of my favourite people in New York City. GAHHH...a birthday in NYC is pretty incredible in itself. Matt surprised me by taking me to two AMAZING used book stores in NYC. The picture above is of me in Strand- a HUGE used bookstore with over 16 miles of books (apparently-who actually ever measures that?!) We also went to a really cool bookstore called Housing Works, which is run almost entirely by volunteers and the proceeds go towards helping people with HIV/AIDS find adequate housing.

I got this book called " Faith and Feminism" (a perfect title for me...) and I read 30 pages of it in Central Park. I came across concept in the book that I have been thinking about a lot lately, albeit using different terminology. One of my best friends is a process-er. She's incredibly thoughtful (both in thinking of others and thinking deeply about the world around her). I have learned that her initial reaction to a problem, conflict or even a great thing might not be the same as her final conclusion. The idea of processing our thoughts and emotions sort of goes along with the idea of the "journey" - not always a bee-line to the destination, but rather a process or flow, not unlike that of a curving river. The idea of processing or "journeying" is about learning. It's about giving yourself and your mind time to come to a peaceful and well thought out decision or perspective. In a time where everything is instantaneous and crackberrys connect most people to the world 24/7, the idea of slowing down and really giving ourselves time to question, reflect and talk about the way we think about things or the way we view the world is pretty radical.

All to often I want thins to happen instantly. I want to change myself. I want to get better at things. I want to have a perfect job. I want to finish my degree. Living this way we lose out not only in living in the moment, but also from the profound sense of peace, wisdom and knowledge that goes along with taking things slow, moment by moment. I have written about waiting before. And now I am learning about the process of becoming.

In the book I was telling you about early "Faith and Feminism" the author gives the biography of five powerful feminists who were all women of faith: St. Teresa of Avila, Lucretia Mott, Soujourner Truth, Emily Dickenson and Dorothy Day. In her introduction, the author captured my attention with one simple line: "There is a sweep of grace that moves these holy women from believing, to voicing, to doing, to being."

Believe. Voice. Do. Be.

It's about a process of becoming. I can't tell you the number of times that I am frustrated about the way the world is. The structures that are in place that simply reinforce and exacerbate existing divisions, racism, hate and violence. I get incredibly frustrated at myself about how much I believe and voice these opinions and how little I actually do to make a difference. This list: believe, voice, do, be- has given me immense hope. Perhaps it is about a journey- a process that leads to becoming. For instance. I believe in peace and nonviolent means of conflict resolution. I have begun to voice this in my own academic work and with friends who care to join in the discussion. I want to start to DO things or take actions that flow out of my beliefs and the words I use to express those beliefs. The same goes with love. I believe in love, I voice that love wins, I try to act in ways that express love to those around me- but eventually, I want to get to a place where I simply personify love (not in the way of Christ or God, but in the best way that I can). I want love to flow so naturally out of me, that I am love.

Believe. Voice. Do. Be

I am going to remember my friend and how she patiently processes through things. I am going to remember to appreciate and learn from the process- whatever it may be- from paper writing, to job hunting, to soccer, to relationships. At every point along the proverbial road there is a lesson to be learned and beauty to be found. Growth, learning and unlearning are all beautiful and meaningful in themselves alone. And while I sometime view progression as an ugly concept, I am going to try to become all of the things that I think that I am called to be and can be. BUT- rather than hoping to instantly become something, or someone or a superstar ultimate frisbee player, I am going to just keep "pressing on" towards those goals, going through the process, the journey, the road, the race, the steps, whatever you want to call it.