The Rookie

Anyone who knows me well understands that I am a terrible loser. It's an awful quality- and I can definitely trace it back to childhood (playing snakes and ladders with Nana...poor Nana). If you've every gone bowling, played a board game or minigolf with me, you know that I am a huge baby when it comes to losing. It's pathetic, but I HATE it. But, I have found something that I hate more than losing. I really, really strongly dislike doing things that I am not good at. I don't say this to make you think that I am good at everything. Rather, I normally just don't do things that I am bad at. It makes me feel so little, so lost and useless and it is very hard for me to have fun when I am totally unsure of what I am doing or where I am suppose to be, etc. I bring this up because this year I am playing in two sports leagues- two sports that I have NEVER played before. I am playing in an ultimate frisbee league and a soccer league and even writing about it makes me feel a little queazy. Don't get me wrong, I love sports, teams, competition and all of that- but what I don't like- it being a rookie. Last night we had our first frisbee game (we won 15-4, with one less player than the other team). It was fun to run around, except it was NOT fun to play with people who ALL SEEM TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!! I don't mind taking direction- but the problem is, I didn't understand where they were directing me to. For instance, on defense we were playing a zone (which I get) BUT then we were doing "the wedge" - WHAT THE HECK IS THE WEDGE?!?! Uggghhh. Also, because I am not that great there were a couple of times when a guys on our team would jump RIGHT in front of me to catch the frisbee. I am THAT girl. OH GOSH. (I am so exasperated :) ) Now, I know that I am going to get better- slowly and I know that learning new skills is good for me. It's humbling really. I'm reminded of how much value I get from the things I do. Not necessarily the things that I am. And while I understand this conceptually, on the field- I just feel lost. We're supposed to make "cuts" to get open- and man, I suck. I just run around. 

That's frisbee- the sport that I am MORE comfortable with. On to soccer. This week we had a "warm up" for new players. It's a time where everyone comes to scrimmage and then they evaluate all of the players- as to make the teams as fair as possible (there are 16 teams, so I have no idea how they do this). I am assuming that they look for the REALLY good players and the REALLY bad players. I, of course, fit into the really bad category. I did touch the ball a few times- the majority of the time I kicked it to the other team. Awesome. I have no idea where the midfielders stand?! Other than that they are somewhere in the middle. Oh goodness. My first game is next week. I am looking forward to meeting my team and getting comfortable with the people that I play with....AND telling them that our first game will be only the SECOND time in my life wearing shin pads. 

So, that's the story for today. I am fully 100% inadequate on my 2 sports teams. BUT- I have 4 months to get better- and I know I will. In the meantime, I am going to ask a lot of questions and try not to get upset when I do something wrong, or look lost, or don't contribute at all. I wrote earlier about how sometimes my attitude is the only thing that I can control. Despite my lack of skill and the fact that I have just vented (and vented) about how bad I am- I am proud of myself that I am learning- trying something new. Maybe it will be like when I got my standard car- I was terrible in the beginning. Lauren and I took it for a little "drive" down my driveway in KW and I got freaked out and had to reverse- but I have NO idea how to reverse. I had to get out the manual- literally stuck in the driveway. But now, I don't even think when I drive standard anymore. I am not afraid of traffic or hills or first gear. I am hoping that one day I won't be scared of "the wedge" or playing "mid mid" (whatever the hell that is). But maybe if or when I conquer frisbee and soccer, I will be able to do something else that scares me, that I am bad at, and that reminds me that it's about who I am, not how I perform.

Love her...

Kim introduced me to Missy Higgins last year and I have had many a good drives singing her sweet, sweet songs in my car (alone of course, as to not lose any friends!)
This is a song from her new album- and I love it. She's poignant and raw and she seems to understand the complexities of messy and real love.
ahhh. so good.
The song is called, "Where I Stood"

Holy Moments

I am stealing this idea from my beautiful friend Nik, who recently wrote a note about such things.  Here are a few things that I have been touched with lately. 

- incredible breakfasts with great friends that last till 2pm 

- meeting new people at frisbee who are  and seeing improvement

- late night ice cream

- helping to celebrate people who have been married for 25 years

- watching kids learn about God, love and life through music

- laughing with friends over lunch about funny churchy/creepy music

- making plans with Kim because she is such a great friend that I miss her when we don't hangout enough

- playing soccer with matthew and matthew - he's 10 and he is wayyyyy better than I am

-seeing humanity and self doubt in my advisor- even great academics question themselves once in a while

- dinner with Steph and Steph and celebrating

-watching my talented friend show off her incredible music abilities

There is so much beauty and holiness in the seemingly normal. I don't ever want to take things like this for granted. 

Reactions

Lately I have been especially struck by goodness, hope and love. I have just been learning how lucky I am to have the friends that I  have. I am challenged to be a better person- and I LEARN so much from their wisdom, opinions, thoughts, hopes and dreams. I feel like I have been lucky enough to witness miracles and to see what love looks like. Even more than this, I have been so  fortunate to be able to join my friends on their journey's and to have a communal journey as well. It really has been a beautiful process. 

Also, I had a realization a few weeks ago that I am the MASTER of holding grudges. It's really hard to let go of things that people have done that have hurt me- even little things that I should have moved past by now. I was thinking that we hold grudges because the wrongs we experience by those around us can in many ways define us. If someone has hurt me, then that says that I am not valuable enough to be protected, if someone has bailed on me, that says that I'm not worth being loyal to...you get the gist. Now, I completely understand why things that have hurt us have such a lasting impact- these acts define us and it's hard to let go of that. But what I have come to realize is that when we choose to hold a grudge or to not forgive (even the small things) we fool ourselves into thinking that we have a "right" to remain angry, upset or hurt. But in reality- what defines us, is the way in which we REACT to these times that we have been hurt. While all this time, I felt like those who were wronged were defined by their hurt, in fact- they are defined by the way that they react to their pain. There is always going to be conflict in life- its natural and inevitable- and it's also pretty probable that we will be hurt by our friends and families from time to time- we don't really have a choice in that. So, we need to take claim in the areas of our lives that WE DO have choice. I want to make choices to love and forgive that are unassociated with how people treat me. I want to live graciously, because I have received so much grace. 

Letting go of grudges is so easy to say and still so hard to do- but definitely something to work towards.

Check it out!

hope.

 I had a professor this semester who was incredibly inspiring. Those close to me have undoubtedly heard FAR too many  stories about 'Cabbage Man". I feel pretty sure that his class was the major reason that I ended up at Waterloo. In our last class, he told us that if we didn't remember anything that we had learned from the class (as if that would be possible?!), he told us that he hoped that left the class with a sense of hope. He told us that one of the biggest problems that any social justice organization or social movement has is trying to convince people that they CAN make a difference- that even one person has the capability to alter the trajectory of the world- actually. Cabbage man told us three personal stories of his where he saw hope- one involved a vigil he was involved in in a small Mexican town where 45 people had been massacred while fasting and praying for peace. He showed us a photo of the vigil, where the people lit 45 candles in memory of their slain loved ones. The image of the candles was moving. He told us about how he believes that hope and faith can illuminate injustice in the world and can call out the darkness. 

Similarly, Cabbage Man explained that hope is more complex than simple optimism. He told us a beautiful story about a Priest that he met when he was in Iraq about a month before the 2003 war began. The Priest was talking about how when the Gulf war started and bombs began to be dropped, he prayed that God would tell him what he was to do. The priest told Cabbage Man that he had an overwhelming feeling that he should begin to make candles....so he did. By night he made candles and by day he handed them out to the locals so that amidst the bombing and violence "at least the would have light". Referring to the then imminent "Operation Iraqi Freedom", the Priest talked about how now, he felt he needed to make a candle a meter high so that it could burn till the war was over. Unfortunately, the war has lasted far longer than he expected. The point of the story, is that we need long lasting optimism. Hope means being in it for the long haul. We need people who are willing to make and burn candles until violence end and peace reigns. 

Finally, Cabbage Man told us that hopes brings people together. He told us a story of how people in Kitchener met nightly to light candles for three CTP members who were held hostage in Iraq. Each night strangers came together to pray and light candles - but night after night the people at the vigil slowly built relationships and became friends. Hope brings people together, even in times of despair. 

Sometimes hope can seem like such a hoaky  concept- wishy washy, or lacking real meaning. But I have moments where I am overwhelmed by the hope and grace in the world...and usually they happen in the most random places. Like I mentioned, in Cabbage Man's class I learned about a lot of people who were doing amazing and hopeful things in the world, like the St. Patrick's Four. But tonight, I was watching silly Home Extreme Makeover (I think that is what it's called). This show is where really deserving families receive a new home. And tonight, as I watched this show, I was so moved watching the family see their new home. It was so powerful because the families were so moved by grace, generosity, love and were just so unbelievably thankful. I realize that it's tv- but the people are real. Hope depends on memory- it seems counter intuitive, as hope seems to mean looking towards the future, but actually, in order to sustain hope we must draw on and remember the good and beautiful things in the past that have inspired us and helped us to believe in beauty, love and goodness. I think this is why God tells us tt "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" (Phil 4:8).

So, remember the moments when you felt most alive, when you saw pure goodness and beauty- and dwell on those things...and have hope. Even if those memories include some sweet sweet home makeover reality tv.

Support Our Troops...

I watched a very disturbing documentary tonight about soldiers returning from the Iraq war and dealing with post traumatic stress syndrome. There are many reasons that I don't agree with war, but the mental and emotional harm experienced by soldiers is one that I haven't thought much about. There is a stigma within the military about seeking mental health treatment- many soldiers that come home from war are haunted by the sights, sounds, smells and fear that they faced in combat. Many families suffer as their soldier comes home and children and spouses are left to deal with the depression and anxiety that comes from post traumatic stress syndrome. 

One crazy fact that the documentary points out is that soldiers dealing with PTSS are often enrolled in a 10 week group therapy session and then reassigned to another tour. One specialist talks about how if a woman was raped and had mental and emotional damage, even after receiving treatment, if she was raped a second time, the damage done to her would certainly be cumulative and it's unlikely that she would be more resilient because of her first rape. 

War is a horrible thing- innocent lives are lost. Even those who come home, as this documentary candidly points out, have in a sense, lost their lives. 

One shocking story told in the documentary is of a soldier who was on a mission patrolling a city in Iraq and saw a fully covered woman, wearing a burka, walking slowly towards the hum-vees where the American soldiers were. She was carrying a plastic bag and the troops began to scream at her ordering her to stop walking towards them, thinking she was a suicide bomber. So, thinking that he had to shoot the woman, or risk his troops, the man opened fire on her. Other troops following suit, opened their weapons and the woman was torn to pieces. As she fell to the ground the contents of her plastic bag tumbled to the ground....she was carrying a white flag...no bomb, just a white flag. No wonder the soldier who initiated fire on her started to lose it a bit. War forces soldiers to objectify the 'enemy' so it makes it possible to kill and not feel as though you are killing a human. But this woman's death reminded the soldier that was IS about killing. 

It's a powerful documentary and you can watch the entire thing here.

Support our troops...bring them home.