new blog

hi friends--

i have decided to move my blog over to wordpress so this is my last post here. 

Please continue to visit me HERE

furtherdowntheroad.wordpress.com

perspective II

Elevated by Jill Sornson from Kevin Knox on Vimeo.

coffee house

remember when...

In a short (long?) seven months, I am going to marry my best friend. We've been engaged a month and a half and I'm still pleasantly surprised every time I remember that it's real. Yesterday, after a particularly harrowing day, involving two sick souls--including one especially sick matt, a long wait at the walk-in clinic, sneezes, coughs, sighs and all around germ-iness, matt said to me (probably slightly drug induced) "remember when we got engaged" -- and of course I said yes. 

"that was great" he said.

And it was. It really was an amazing night. I am trying to be mindful of each moment as an engaged couple. Mostly because I know these next seven months will be like none other that follow. In fact, things have already begun to change. When Matt first proposed with this beautiful, shinny, ring -- it felt like a complete foreign object on my finger. Every time I looked at it I literally though "oh my gosh".  Now, that my ring has been sized and I have gotten used to wearing it, I often have mini panic attacks when I think I've lost it because I can't feel it on my finger. Then, I realize that I'm crazy and I've just grown used to it. As much as an engagement ring can be a frivolous luxury, it can also be drenched with meaning and symbolism. For instance, I noticed today that there are some small scratches on it, nothing that couldn't be polished off, but scratches nonetheless. I love the idea that I am going to wear this ring forever, and it's going to get scratched and worn. I hope when I'm 80 years old I can tell my grandkids the story of how it was given to me. Already, this ring represents a part of me, and in a strange way, a part of who I've always been. But on the other hand, every time I look at it, I can't help but think of our future- of what's to come, of it's shininess and promise of what's ahead. I wonder if years from now this ring will always remind me of this time, our time dating and our engagement? Or maybe it's meaning will change and grow? I assume the latter will be true. 

I don't want to have the expectation that our wedding day will be the best day of our lives-- because isn't that a little sad? To think that after our wedding it's all down hill? I think the perspective that I'll choose to take is that maybe our wedding will be the beginning of the most blessed, joyful, most loving time of our lives-the beginning of being paired, supported, encouraged and able to take great risks because we know we've got each other's backs. Our wedding day will be so important because it will be the beginning of a powerful partnership, based on a promise made that day. 

Until then I am going to do my best to soak up every minute and to create a lot more "remember when..." moments. 

25 things

Lately it seems as though everyone in the land of facebook is writing those "25 things about me" lists. I must admit, I find them very interesting and read them whenever they pop up on that creepy feed. The facts about people surprise and interest me, but what I find even MORE interesting is seeing what people choose to write. You know what I mean? That's the beauty about facebook or any sort of communication that is completely controlled by the user. Notice how no one ever writes about how they still pick their nose, have a terrible temper, or sometime act passive aggressively. The thing about these lists is that, perhaps without intention, they let us create a small, incomplete snapshot of ourselves-- just the pieces that we want people to see. I know that if I were to write one of these lists I would try to make myself as mysterious and cool as possible. And because that would be a lot of work, I'm just not going to do it. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not judging these lists going around. Like I said, I find them interesting. I have just been reminded how much we all long to be known. I have written extensively about this topic here but can't help but think that I didn't quite fully get it then. Maybe we're too scared to be REALLY known by people. Maybe that's why we settle for incomplete lists of tightly controlled facts. I guess what I am trying to suggest is that we take a step further than these "25 things" lists and be vulnerable with the people with who we love and trust...that we take the time to listen and to see the heart of those around us. To be truly known and seen by those we love and trust is, in essence, freedom. Because if someone can know us, really know us--the ugly, the shameful, the cruel- and love us anyways, it means we're ok. You know? Isn't that what unconditional love is? 

As I wrote about before, I know that we are fully known by God. Depending on the day, I either find great peace in this truth or great shock. I will probably never fully grasp that God already knows all of my thoughts and actions -- and loves me despite all of this. 

Your life and worth could never be expressed in 25 facts. Either could mine--and while it's fun to read about, it's an incomplete picture of the complexity and beauty of who you are- who we all are. 

New Recipe # 1 (and 2 and 3)

I was a keener this week and made THREE new recipes. Martha Stewart watch yo' back!

Here's the run down.

First I made rosemary focaccia bread-- it had onion and parmesan cheese on it. Delish! I would definitely make it again.
Then, Matt and I made a chicken curry recipe that I ripped out (read: stole) from a magazine at the gym (bad i know).
BUT--it was also soooo good. Spicy, creamy, hot. I would for sure make this again.

Here is a pic!


Hmm...looks a little gross- BUT...we ate all the rice so it's just the sauce. Next time I'll work more on "presentation"

Here is a photo of the bomb that hit Matt's already disgusting kitchen once we were finished. 

Not to mention that after I put the leftovers in the fridge--I reopened it to grab something and splosh went the curry all over the kitchen floor. Awesome. 

Finally, I made a "leek" potato soup--but couldn't find any leeks at the grocery store. I bought blub onions instead...needless to say, bulb onions or not, the soup is definitely mediocre. I think it's because I am getting sick of the smell/taste of thyme. Next time I will try a completely different soup. Probably one that doesn't need to go in the blender..because what a MESS that is. Burning soup all over my hands AND my walls. I don't think I'd make this soup again. Although I will be eating it for lunch for the next 2 months as it made a wack-load and is taking up lots of room in my giant freezer.

For week one, I am thinking two out of three ain't bad. 

Class Division

Growing up as a Christian, I knew a lot of kids that went on “mission trips” to far off places to help the less fortunate. My friends would gush about how life-changing the experience was to go to such and such poor country. They would tell me how the people, while poor, were so much richer in spirit than us here in North America. I always found this idea to be a little bit ridiculous. It seemed to me as if my friends going on these pricy trips to help “poor people” created this communal lie about the local people being so joyful, so full of life, so rich in love. It seemed like a convenient untruth that rich, white, Christians could tell themselves in order not to feel guilty about their personal wealth. It was hard for me to believe that all poor people in the developing world were happy and better off than us here, despite not being able to feed their children, not having electricity or adequate access to water. It all seemed like a pile of crap.
I studied international development in university. There I was taught to horrors of missionary work. I was shown how short term “service” trips can actually harm struggling communities in the developing world. I piously felt like the people who went on these trips, went for themselves, to add meaning to their own lives. I used the argument that the money spend to send down a team of x number of Canadians would be much more effective if it was used to hire local people to do the same work. I came to see these vacationing missionaries as modern day colonizers, taking with them a sense of superiority and advanced civility.
When I was 23 I took a job working for a church as a youth assistant. Part of my job was planning and helping lead a trip to Ecuador for a small group of youth. I stepped off of my soapbox (mostly in light of my desire to travel) and took up the job rather excitedly.
In Ecuador, in a small jungle village, I had one of my first “a-ha’ moments about class, race and privilege. We were building a community building in the village so that there would be a place for people to gather when it rained. The village had gotten running water only weeks before we arrived. I met a woman who I immediately liked. She was kind- her eyes were kind. She smiled at me and let me hold her baby. After some hand gesture charades due to the language barrier she took one of the students and myself to explore the forest where they got their food. She had her daughter shimmy up papaya trees to pick us fruit and taught us how to machete banana trees. She cooked us jungle potatoes and watched, with tangible joy on her face, as we ate them. What I learned in that moment is that classism and class division dissect our humanity. In an instant it became clear to me that while we were officially there to “help” her and her community, she had, through example, just given me so much more.
Class divisions create a world where we only want to associate and interact with those in our particular class. Sometimes, if we’re feeling ambitious, it is socially acceptable to converse with those in the class above you if you are looking to climb the social ladder. That day, in the Ecuadorian jungle, I learned that by only living within your societal class, one essentially negates all possibility of being fully human. The rich are not meant to be givers. They are not meant to be the “sugar daddies and mamas” who simply write checks to appease their consciences and the poor. The Poor are not meant to be receivers, constantly taking, giving nothing back. The middle class is not meant to sequester themselves off from both the rich and poor, protected by their picket fences and PTA meetings. Rather, each person, regardless of their socio-economic class is meant to be both a giver and a receiver. That is what it means to be human. We all have something to offer the world and we all have something we need from the world. We were not created to be self-maintaining organisms.
My friend in the jungle showed me that I needed her. That day, I needed her kindness, her generosity and papayas. By accepting her gift of fruit, I acknowledged not only my thankfulness, but also broke down the false notion of giver and receiver, rich and poor.
When I came home from Ecuador, I had a much better understanding of why friends in the past had come back and said that the people were so joyful, so happy, and free. I still would not fully agree with that analysis, or the singular story it tries tell of an entire country’s population. Instead, I’d like to suggest, that my friends, like me, had realized that they were receivers, not only givers. Perhaps what my friends were seeing was their own joy reflected back. This is the most real truth I know about class- It divides us. We cannot experience wholeness existing in human-made class groups. We need the poor and the rich. They need each other. Furthermore, we cannot care for the poor or the rich unless we know their names, their stories and their hearts. Ending class division will take a lot more than writing big checks; it will take more than philanthropy and charitable foundations. Ending class division will only happen when we create space for us to get to know each other. A place to have coffee, to talk about the weather and our kids and reality tv. Class division will not end until we accept that “they” are just like “us”.

i wish i wish i wish.

I have a LOT of excuses for being a bad/bland/unconfident cook...really a lot. Here are a few- as as child my mom was (is!) an awesome cook...she was a little weary of me in the kitchen, and as such I always got the lame jobs, like going down to the basement to get this pot or that piece of tupperware. Now, I too busy, it's too hard to cook great for one person, it all tastes "yuck" and so on.

BUT- I love to eat. I am a great eater. I love good food and to have dinner with friends.
So, I'm changing my attitude. I'm not a bad cook, I'm an inexperienced cook with low kitchen confidence!
So, to improve my skills (and my SELF ESTEEM!) I am going to try to cook one new recipe a week- TRY being the operative word...if it's every 10 days, I'll be ok with that too.

One day, maybe I'll be able to be a GOOD cook-- I figure some practice never hurt anyone. 

So here I go...

Note my PREVIOUS disposition to cooking and baking...

Step # 1. Look nervous

On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp...

Because I liked it so much.


Praise song for the day.

Each day we go about our business, walking past each other, catching each others’ eyes or not, about to speak or speaking. All about us is noise. All about us is noise and bramble, thorn and din, each one of our ancestors on our tongues. Someone is stitching up a hem, darning a hole in a uniform, patching a tire, repairing the things in need of repair.

Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.

We cross dirt roads and highways that mark the will of someone and then others who said, “I need to see what’s on the other side; I know there’s something better down the road.”

We need to find a place where we are safe; We walk into that which we cannot yet see.

Praise song for struggle; praise song for the day. Praise song for every hand-lettered sign; The figuring it out at kitchen tables.

On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp — praise song for walking forward in that light.
-Elizabeth Alexander

perspective

Sometimes we need an anthem

i love john legend.
and i love this song.
see the lyrics below



If you hear this message, wherever you stand
I'm calling every woman, calling every man
We're the generation
We can't afford to wait
The future started yesterday and we're already late

We've been looking for a song to sing
Searched for a melody
Searched for someone to lead
We've been looking for the world to change
If you feel the same
Then go on and say

If you're out there
Sing along with me
If you're out there
I'm dying to believe that you're out there
Stand up and say it loud
If you're out there
Tomorrow's starting now
Now, now

No more broken promises
No more call to war
Unless it's love and peace that we're really fighting for
We can destroy hunger
We can conquer hate
Put down the arms and raise your voice
We're joining hands today

Oh I was looking for a song to sing
I searched for a leader
But the leader was me
We were looking for the world to change
We can be heroes
Just go on and say

If you're out there
Sing along with me
If you're out there
I'm dying to believe that you're out there
Stand up and say it loud
If you're out there
Tomorrow's starting now
Now, now

Oh now, now

If you're ready we can shake the world
Believe again
It starts within
We don't have to wait for destiny
We should be the change that we want to see

If you're out there
Ooooh
If you're out there
And you're ready now
Say it loud
Scream it out

If you're out there
Sing along with me
If you're out there
I'm dying to believe that you're out there
Stand up and say it loud
If you're out there
Tomorrow's starting now

If you're out there
If you're out there
If you're out there

If you hear this message, wherever you stand
I'm calling every woman, calling every man
We're the generation
We can't afford to wait
The future started yesterday and we're already late

it's just what we do.

I love making up silly traditions. With a group of friends- we always say the "crown of christ" grace when we eat dinner together. Amanda and I always have tea together. Kim calls me "her people" ...it's just what we do, you know? 

Another thing we (matt and i) do is make yearly books. Last year I attempted to crochet him a blanket for Christmas--hello disaster. Thankfully, I got over my pride in in April and a master crochet-er finished it for me (thanks Grandma!) 

But because I felt so guilty for not having a gift for Matt to have at Christmas- I decided to make him a book on blurb.com 

It's a fantastic website with super user friendly software that allows you to publish your own book. So I made Matt a book about the story of how we got together and added lots of pictures from the year. This year, Matt made me volume too. It's ridiculously cheesy, but man, I love it. It's so amazing to see a hardcopy, beautiful book full of the incredible year you had. It's so great to read about our year from Matt's perspective- to laugh about how a whole page got devoted to a slightly hungover breakfast in Mildmay- or "Mildamay" as Matt thought it was. These books, though we've only made two have most certainly become "what we do". 

And I wouldn't want it any other way!

Experiments with truth 2009

Since finishing grad school I have become obsessive about keeping track of things--I think I have always liked lists, but 2008 took me to a whole new level. I track the books I have read, the money I spent, the hours I spend exercising, to-do lists and so on. So it's no surprise that a new year brings with it new goals--or as I like to call them "experiments with truth"- with the idea being that sometimes its worth it to just try something to see how you feel about it, how it changes your life, your outlook, etc. Not eating meat is a great example of an "experiment with truth" because if you've never eaten a non-meat diet, how can you really know how its going to make you feel? Or if you'll enjoy eating a plant-based diet....or if you'll be tired all the time. An experiment, by definition is a trial- you want to see if and how something works. Experiments with truth are all about figuring out what works for you and being ok if it doesn't work out. So, back to my vegetarian example- if it doesn't work for you, that's that and you go back to eating meat- it's not a failure, it's an EXPERIMENT. 

Please don't think I am going all relativist on you- it's not like you should experiment with murder, or self hating, or starving yourself. You get the point.  Last year I made a list of experiments or things that I wanted to work towards. You can see that list here.  Some of the things really made a difference in my life. For example, driving less has been awesome. I not only love not spending gazillions of dollars on gas, but I know that it's good for the environment too. I have also read and written lots- also very positive. I find both activities to be packed full of pleasure. I have been trying to practice having and wanting less material "stuff"- this one is a hard one, and even though I do find myself wishing I had trendier clothes or beautiful things in my house, I have been living within my means and questioning my desires for material crap. Listening and giving people the benefit of the doubt is ongoing. Just yesterday I read a great post by my friend Steve about seeing the face of Christ in people. It's a process, and I am learning. 

So for this year, I have decided that LESS is more, so I am going to have only 3 experiments this year. I heard a doctor on CBC this morning talk about how our brains are really only good at focusing on a few things at once, so it's best to make a few great goals rather than a lot of small ones. 

Here we go...

#1. Watch what I consume.  I don't mean watch my weight or anything like that, I mean literally to be mindful of the stuff I am filling myself with- be it gossip, trashy tv, facebook, fast food, no protein, negative thoughts, etc. 

#2. Choose love. I so often forget to love people in my day to day encounters. I forget that each person was designed by God and has inalienable value. I hate that I forget this. More so, I hate when I choose to ignore such a simple truth. I want to be more loving.

#3 . Become less self absorbed. Spend less time making myself feel cool, worthy, valuable, smart, good looking, talented, etc. It's exhausting, totally overrated, and soooo 2008. I want to live for something a heck of a lot bigger than myself- and the ironic thing is that I feel a heck of a lot more positive about who I am when I stop trying so hard. This year I am going to get over myself. 

Hello 2009-- let's be friends.

I always look forward to thinking about my year- the ups, the downs, and all of the memorable moments in between. Last year I wrote a list of some of my favourite moments and I thought I might do the same for this year. This year has definitely has seen some firsts-- so here goes:

2008- it's been a good run:

- Being fortunate enough to go to grad school. Taking a class with "Cabbage Man" and learning about peace, christianity, and Mennonites = awesomeness

- Have lunch and coffee dates with Lauren Greig - spicy fries! Attempting to make Waterloo "where it's at" with Ester, Steve, and Lauren.

- Getting my ass rocked at squash by Steve

- Going to Nicaragua with the Penmans  -- such a memorable trip in so many ways. Incredible people and so great to spend time with Matt's family. The gorgeous beaches and the beautiful sun in the middle of February didn't hurt either. 

- spending time with great friends- dinners at Amanda's house with Nik, Ryan, Matt and Sim- Avocado sandwiches and homemade soups!

-Maple Syrup festival in Elmira and dodgeball intramurals with school friends

- North Carolina '08- a great trip  with great friends and good conversation. Nothing beats camping, swimming in the ocean and reading books on the beach. This year we discovered "Fanny's living Room" a sweeeeet ice cream place! Also, we made the trip to Ocracoke  a beautiful island with desserted beaches and shells everywhere. NYC was also super memorable. I wrote here  about the amazing birthday gift Matt gave me for my 25th birthday. It really was perfect- books, frisbee in Central Park and a delicious dinner in little Italy. 

-Signing up for a soccer team and an ultimate frisbee team were also huge highlights of my year- even though I was TERRIBLE at first- especially in soccer, I met so many awesome people and practiced having fun while doing something I sucked at. I got a lot better at ultimate too- I played on an outdoor fall team and just finished a fall winter indoor session. Matt and I are pumped to play indoor until March- we really love it. It's such a fun sport and the people are really great. Definitely one of my favourite new things of '08

- The summer...I love the summer. Gah- love. Especially thinking about it oon a day where is 21 degrees below zero~ I had so much fun spending time with Matt, Amanda and Aaron this summer. I loved hearing about Kim's trip to New Zealand and going to the Stretch's cottage with Steph and Jus. I loved going to "Burlington Beach" and Port Dover on Canada day. It was so hard to work on my thesis with the weather so incredible outside. I also got to spend a lot of time with my two youngest bros and I really enjoyed that.

Going to BC with my mom to visit my brother Evan in July was also awesome. Seattle, Vancouver, Whistler- I loved it all.

- Moving to Hamilton was AWESOME too- and helped me to accomplish one of my "experiments with truth" from 2008- drive less. I love love love my apartment and love even more having my friends so close. The co-op has quickly become home and I thoroughly enjoy living here. Spending time with Deb and Oliver, drinking wine and just being friends is fantastic. Living with friends so close solidifies by thinking that geographically close community is so important.

- Deciding to commit to going to the Freeway, the church that Matt had been attending is a huge highlight too. I have met so many wonderful people and spent countless hours baking, brunching, drinking beers and just living life. 

- Work has been good too- I am so fortunate to have found a job that I like with coworkers whom I really care about. It's definitely been a learning experience-- but the lessons are invaluable and I'm thankful to gain the experience. 

-Helping Amanda bake her pies for Ecuador- so fun and I had no idea that I could make a PIE! 

- I made Matt ties for Christmas and I needed a lot of help from my mom sewing them- I really enjoyed the challenge of tie making and enjoyed spending time with my mom even more. 

-Wine and Cheese at the co-op and way too many other fun Christmas events. I feel like I've been eating for a month straight!

- Finally, I think perhaps my most memorable moment was when Matt asked me to be with him forever. Of course I said yes. We're ridiculously excited to get married and have spent the holiday season showing off my "bling" and attempting to answer a lot of questions that we don't know the answers to ("what is your colour scheme?" "Will you wear a strapless dress?") 

It was such an incredible and life changing way to end 2008-- and naturally we have much hope that 2009 will be our best year yet! 

Here are a few pictures of late: 

Taylor and I on boxing day...
Matt, Mom, Ev and I on Christmas day
Engaged- in pajamas Dec 19th
Mands and I at the Co-op wine and cheezle!

Adios 2008-- it's been swell. Here's to 2009! 

tis the season

May joy, peace and love be yours this season! 

Happy Christmas!

Ritual and Tradition

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas- a complicated history with a great and horrible time. Christmas, it seems, brings out the very best and the very worst in people. In a recent post I rambled on and on about the evils of Christmas. I wrote about how I hate the "capitalism on crack" aspect of it all, the greediness, how those who need are those who go without, and us- the ones who have everything under the sun, receive more shit to store in the basement once the shiny-newness-feel- great -about -all -of -my- stuff sentiment wears off. Don't get me wrong- I still feel this way- Matt and I stopped into a mall on the weekend (trust me- it will be the ONLY mall that I go into for a LONG time) and it was chaotic hell. 

But- there is so much I love about Christmas too. I was thinking about this while drinking coffee this morning here at work and I think I figured out why I love it so much. Obviously- it's about people- family, relationships and love. But perhaps what makes Christmas so special with our loved ones is the rituals and traditions that we have.  

There is something incredibly comforting about knowing how the holidays work. I know that Christmas morning- my brother will obnoxiously enter into my room and tell me to get my ass out of bed- and I'll marvel at how frigging early it is, and how every year- despite how LAZY Evan is- he'll make it out of bed before me- bright eyed and bushy tailed. My mom will make coffee and then we'll sit around in our living room and open our stockings- one. wrapped. item. at. a time.

Since I was little- my mom wrapped all of our stocking gifts individually- which made opening them so exciting. Like my brother's freakish early morning rising on Christmas day- his patience and genuine joy in GIVING his gifts to us has always surprised me. For as long as I can remember Evan and I have always filled a stocking for our mom- when we were really young, our Grandma helped us buy things, but for the past 10 years probably, Evan and I have done it ourselves. I think because our parents are divorced and because my mom always made a stocking for Ev and I, we thought that we should make one for her- and now, looking back at our younger selves I feel a deep sense of pride- like I can look back on Ev and I as small kids buying our mom probably completely random stuff for her stocking and how appreciative she was of us- and how much we loved doing it for her. I can't speak for everyone from single parent families, but I know for my brother and I- our mom literally was and still is everything to us- anyone who knows her can attest to her strength, competence and compassion. So making a stocking for her has always been something that we find great joy in- it's a tradition and part of why I love Christmas. 

Like I mentioned before too- Christmas is so meaningful because I can physically see how much my mom and my brother love to give gifts. I think we all can understand this feeling- when you have tenderly searched for the perfect gift for someone that you love- and there is so much suspense and excitement as they open it- because you want them to love the gift that you've chosen for them. You want them to feel loved. I'm always shocked at how emotional I can be at Christmas- last year, because I know my mom would be selling the house this year, I copied the pencil marks on one of our doorways that documented our growth all those years in our house. I put it in a frame and of course, my mom cried when we gave it to her- and then I got teary eyed-- because it meant something- to her and to me. I love that part of Christmas- the joy of giving and receiving- especially gifts that have lasting meaning and significance- gifts that weren't purchased on a whim in some hellish mall, but rather gifts that include a bit of heart, a lot of love or time--gifts where the person has literally given you a piece of themselves. I love that.

 I love the silly traditions that don't have an obscene amount of meaning, but are just things that you do every year and love. For us, we usually watch a movie on Christmas eve-- the past couple of years it's been Love Actually (Mom's request) and a favourite of mine. We always skip dinner and eat a random assortment of finger foods and mozzarella sticks and mini spring rolls. I have no idea why we do this- but I love it. Then on Christmas morning- we eat an artery clogging breakfast of eggs benedict. Delicious. 

Decorating the Christmas tree is another tradition that I love. The last couple of Christmases I have been fortunate enough to be with Matt's family when they decorate their tree. I love to hear all of the stories of the ornaments, where they came from, or how Matt's mom sewed her own ornaments the first few years of their marriage because they didn't have any decorations. That history is so rich and the stories that are shared during the decorating of the Christmas tree are so meaningful and full of lives lived and memories kept. I felt so lucky to be a part of that- to add my own ornament to their beautiful tree. 

Finally- (hello, welcome to story time with Cait...) at my Dad and Sam's house Evan and I have always had stockings. When we were really little they bought us these stockings that have bear heads on them-like the size of a normal teddy bear's head. It's weird now writing about it- I mean bear head stockings- weird, but yes, we have almost always had these. When Sam bought them for us- she also got us glitter glue and fabric markers to write our names on them. I think Ev was really small and needed help so Sam just wrote his name in sparkle glue. But ME- being the INCREDIBLY artistic and creative person I am - decided that rather than writing my name on the spot where it should go- would do a "design" on Teddy's giant head. So, I "drew" (read: scribbled) a Christmas tree on his big white head. It's hideous. I proceeded to attempt to write my name, but can now see that its illegible. My stocking looks ridiculous- but now, countless years later, I love seeing that stupid bear- and I love hearing the story that mine looks idiotic because I refused help and considered myself the child prodigy of Picaso. I was so wrong- but my 25 year old self loves the unabashedness ( is that a word?)  of my six year old self. 

See- I'm not scrooge- I don't hate Christmas. I just hate all of the pressure, the spending, the running around. How much better is it to just BE with the people you love rather than battle the masses the mall to find some stupid gift that will end up in a landfill some day. The rituals, the traditions, and specifically the time spent with family and friends are the only things that will last. 

I hope that you have many traditions and rituals to look forward to with your family this Christmas. 

Dry

There is this strange Christian conception about "living out of the overflow"- It's tossed around in Christian circles and to the best of my knowledge, it refers to the idea that we are to let God fill us with His abundant love, and then because we are so full of God's love, we are to lavish our love onto others. Despite its churchy overtones, its a nice concept. I was thinking about this saying recently- and questioning what it actually looks like to live this way. What does it look like when someone has love pouring out of them? I certainly don't know, because I am pretty convinced that I  don't live this way.

So, as a means to understanding this idea better- I decided to try to figure out what the opposite of "living out of the overflow" would look like.

Water is often used in the bible as a metaphor- and the word "overflow" itself seems to denote a liquid of some type- so, let's stick with water. 

The opposite of overflowing- is dry, barren, brittle...and thirsty. 

I would like to suggest that in our culture we live in a constant state of thirst or dryness. I don't know about you, but there are a number of possessions, accomplishments and people in my life that I need in order to feel valuable. For example, it makes me feel valuable knowing that I have a partner that loves me, a post secondary education and a place to live. More subtly, it makes me feel great when someone says that they think I am intelligent or that they like a particular piece of clothing I own. I'm not sure if this is hardwired into us, but the way that we have come to categorize something is through comparison. Again, for example- there is a sick and shameful place in me that secretly feels good when I have something (or someone or a certain accomplishment) that someone else (even if it's a friend of mine, and perhaps even more shamefully, especially when it's a friend) doesn't have that certain something. 

We use comparisons as a way of defining ourselves. It's a bit like living in the desert- where there is no water anywhere and EVERYONE is thirsty. You can imagine that such a place would become rather cut-throat as everyone is trying to quench their own thirst. 

I believe that the world we live in is like a desert.  We've got +6 billion people looking for ways to quench their thirst and meet their needs. In order to feel valuable, special and worthy, we must find sources of water. In North America, this "water" that I speak of is degrees, cottages, number of friends, weddings, being first, promotions, travels, blackberrys, nice cars, big houses, etc. 

You get the picture. 

Retail therapy is a particular term made up to describe this phenomenon when it refers to purchasing goods and services to make us feel better about ourselves. My good friend Deb just wrote a great post about how "online communities" (or rather anti-communities) are adding to this problem with people wasting hours and hours of time browsing their acquaintance's photos and lives. We spend ridiculous amounts of time updating our "statuses" to tell people exactly what we're doing in a given moment. We have become so focused on creating desirable "online images"-completely self-involved and narcissistic to think that all  432 of your  "friends" care that you're done exams/on holidays/tired/sick/excited for this or that.  I am completely guilty here. While I want to tell you that I have NO IDEA why I have participated in such bullshit- it that would be a lie. I have wasted time in 'fake online land' because of course I wanted people to think that I have a desirable and exciting life.

Might I say this is why you participate too?

The fake online world of facebook is a lot like porn-- not only is it addicting, but it disguises itself as "reality"- when in fact, like the contrived pleasure of porn stars, this world is anything but real. It's a carefully edited, constructed facade of the truth. It's a place where we have control as to what we look like, who can write on our 'wall' and who our 'friends' are. The more and more I think about it, the more sick it makes me. Last year for lent, Matt and I decided to take a facebook fast- 40 days, no facebook. I have to admit, that I glanced at it a few times, but in the end it was a refreshing break. I think it might be high time for another hiatus. 

We fool ourselves into thinking that we NEED things, can't live without such things. 

"How will I know about my friend's events if I can't check my "events" page?" 

" How will people get in touch with me?!" 

But in the end, it comes down to fear and stupidity. "How will I live without it?"- is answered by, "you just will."

Phew, soapbox facebook tangent over.  

So, we're a thirsty people who need stupid shit like blackberrys, facebook friends and cool clothes to make us feel good about ourselves. We're dry and we try to get a hold of any sort of liquid to quench our thirst. This is the absolute opposite of overflow. This is desert, wanting, and resources wars. This is the anti-overflow.

If this is what the overflow isn't, then what is it?

Living out of the overflow is first and foremost knowing who you are. 

You are I are exactly enough- as we are, today, yesterday forever. 

You and I are perfectly made by a creator who makes no mistakes.

You and I could not be loved any more. 

Nothing that I have or do- will ever, ever change this. My value, my worth-- is inalienable. Unchanging. Forever. 

This truth is only accessible, not because I am worthy, but rather because Jesus came to earth to show us a new way to live.  A way to love our enemies, to eat and drink together,  and to love the sick and the lonely. A way to be free. 

When I remember this simple truth, it doesn't matter to me what my job is, how much money I have or whether or not my friends think I dress cool. When I remember who I am, I am not thirsty, I am quenched...and my frantic scavenge for things in this world to make me feel good about myself lose their gleam and the facade falls away and I can see that it's all meaningless bullshit. 

In truth, these moments of clarity are few and far between, and unfortunately I spend way more time comparing myself to other people who in secret probably feel inferior too. But, in those moments when I realize that I am valuable as is- I don't need to compare myself any longer--and I don't need so much junk to  to fool myself into feeling great because I have brighter skin/lost weigh/have silky hair/the newest fashion must have/and on and on.

If we are were able to consistently remember who we are-I think we'd give consumerism a good run for it's money. We would no longer be fooled into thinking that any sort of product or title would  fill that hole in our hearts and we wouldn't need to buy more crap. We'd have more time to dream about ways to make the world a better place- how to help people, to create, to have tea, to paint, to imagine and talk together- face to face. 

We would live in the overflow- where all people would know that they are loved, that their names are carved on their creator's palms- and from that truth, joy would pour out onto the streets  and into the fields. The rat race would be over - and we'd all be winners. 

It is my deepest hope to live in such a world. 

To be loved is to be known.

Happy Birthday Matt!

Happy Birthday Matt!
Another year, another birthday blog. I am so grateful to be a part of your life- and so thankful for everything you are and who you have continued to be and become this past year. Here's to many more memories and many more birthdays.
I hope that your years become infinitely better- filled with joy, wisdom, love and hope.
You're the best.
I love you.

For the Hamilton Crew...

This movie is playing on Friday night at Melrose United Church
86 Homewood Ave

Here's a brief synopsis:

"From producer Morgan Apurlock (SUPERSIZE ME) comes the serious docu-comedy about the commercialization of Christmas. What Would Jesus Buy? follows Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping Gospel Choir as they go on a cross country mission to save Christmas from the Shopocalypse: the end of mankind from consummerism, over-consumption, and the fires of eternal debt!

Suggested Donation: $5
Includes Fair Trade Coffee

Do you want to come with?